midnightdemons7

Having a hard time with grief

I woke up late. I was up in the middle of the night again because I couldn’t sleep. The stupid birds were chirping so fucking loud. I read for a bit. Then I turned in a little after 0300. When I got up, the house was empty in more ways than one. No one was home. Didn’t help that before I got up, I had a dream about my mother. Every day there is some reminder of her. My sister just got her picture a new frame. I see it every time I head upstairs to my room.

I am not comfortable in my new body. I have a huge stomach and it is giving me all the dysmorphia feels. I keep wanting to bring this to my therapist’s attention but I keep forgetting. I ate today and I feel guilty about it. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to eat lately. I think I might have an eating disorder or something. I just want to starve myself. I feel better when I don’t eat.

I had made an iced coffee when I came home from PT. She killed my calf muscle. She found a huge knot and it hurt so much. She said I need to do calf stretches. I am bad at them because sometimes it leads to Charlie horses and those aren’t fun. I got two balls, a tennis ball and a little bouncy ball to work on my foot. I got to remember to take them to the kitchen with me when I have my coffee. I keep forgetting them.

I brushed my teeth today before I left the house. I am going to have to borrow money from my sister or brother in law because my tpass funds are low. I won’t be able to get around if I don’t have my tpass. I do have taxi vouchers that I haven’t used yet.

I am having nerve pain in my chest and I feel like I need to cry but the tears won’t come. I have never been an easy cryer. It takes a lot for me to cry. I have to feel strong emotions to cry. Grief is killing me. I tried taking a nap because I was very tired after PT but I didn’t sleep. It’s also hot in my room. I am topless again. I find that helps a little with the nerve pain as the shirt isn’t irritating me.

Birds started chirping at 0305

I can’t sleep. I tried falling asleep after the game but all I did was toss and turn. I gave up around 130 because I had to go pee. I read for a bit. I finished the chapter on CBT with dealing with suicidal thoughts. It is all stuff I have learned before. Feelingsàthoughtsàacts (behaviors). It goes around in a triangle. It is the core part of CBT.

I looked up some stretches to do as my chest is tight. I don’t know what to do about my arm that feels dead at times. I can lift stuff but the endurance isn’t there like it was before. I am really tired of being up half the night. I wrote in my journal about my pcp appointment and how my therapist thinks I will be sad for a while because I am grieving. It really sucks being sad all the time. It kind of leads to depression but I try to get out of it when I feel it getting worse. I usually distract myself or do something like pick up my recycle and put it in the bag.

I finally brought up the fig bars I bought. I like to eat them when I am up as I usually get hungry around 0400. I wish I was seeing my therapist tomorrow but I am not. She didn’t have times that worked for me because I have PT. I see her Tues. I might text her to let her know that I am thinking of the hospital again. I don’t know if I need to be in there. I think it might help me because there is just something about being on a locked unit. I don’t know what it is but I feel really safe from myself and the pressure of taking care of myself is off. I don’t have to worry about my meds or meals or showering. I get some routine and that is what I need sometimes to reset myself.

It’s a little after 0400. I am so tired. I don’t know if I am going to sleep or not. I am not doing anything today because I did so much yesterday. I am exhausted. I am so drained. It is so hard when I feel so sad and it alternates with feeling depressed. It just this heaviness on me.

Saturday Blog 10062023

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I tried going back to sleep but I was just staring at the ceiling. I decided to do some reading and it was a long chapter so I stopped a little after 0400 to try and go back to sleep. I fell asleep and dreamt about Taylor Swift being in Boston. We were hanging out in Copley Square until she had to do a show. Then I dreamt I was at Fenway Park playing shortstop for some kids. Totally weird.

I got up around 1130. I really didn’t want to go out today but I was out of half and half and I need that for my coffee. I also had to get my prescriptions. I left after I made a bacon sandwich and had a cup of coffee. I had waited at the bus stop for about five minutes before the skies opened up. Tstorms and downpours flooded the streets. I was glad it stopped by the time I got to the grocery store. I ordered a mocha as I needed caffeine. One cup of coffee wasn’t going to do it. I had four shots of espresso in the mocha. It was good. I went to the pharmacy and there was a problem with my pain meds. They were charging me for it as my insurance rejected it. I called the insurance and soon as I got back home, the matter was cleared up. I made a burger and then went back as tomorrow the bus line is being detoured all day.

I am fricken exhausted. I got into an argument with my sister. She is always complaining about the dishes but never does them nor empties/fills the dishwasher. I told her either do them or shut up about it. She called me an asshole and a slob. Fucking bitch. Then her son says to just do them and clean up after yourselves meanwhile he leaves ramen noodles in the damn sink. Yeah ok nephew. I am so stressed out. I am always either filling the dishwasher or emptying it. Guess my family thinks a fairy does it. I am so tired.

I really feel like I need to be in the hospital. I am going to try and talk about it with my therapist on Tues. I think being away for a little bit might help me. I am often alone at home and it gets to me. The house just feels so empty without my mother. Last night, I read a thread on Twitter about how an MD snuck wine in the hospital for her patient who was dying of liver disease. It brought back memories of a night where my mother had a glass of wine and then wanted another one. She was already starting to be out of sorts. I was watching her that night and helped her with the second glass. She fell asleep on the couch without even drinking it. I made her go to bed. I gave her her meds and stuff. I don’t think she was alive for much longer. Maybe a week or so later she died? Days just blended in with her. It was hard watching her deteriorate. I loved and hated her so much. It was hard to care for her at times, especially when she was in pain but wouldn’t take anything for it. She was so stubborn. I really miss her. A lot.