midnightdemons7

Feeling vulnerable and other stuff

I was up till dawn again. I had woken up to pee and then I was in pain which made it difficult to sleep. I didn’t want to get up when the med alarm went off. I stayed in bed longer than I should have but I got up and had a couple cups of coffee. I left the house around 1145 to catch the bus. My pass worked on the bus but for some reason, didn’t work at the train station. I thought that was odd but didn’t think much about it. I went on my way to see my pcp.

I was a little early for the appointment and the medical assistant wasn’t back from lunch so I had the RN take my vitals. My pcp is really nice and made me feel at ease talking to her. We discussed my pain and how I was doing and stuff. She was respectful and agreed to put back on pain meds for the time being. While talking to her, I told her about my grief and how disruptive it is becoming. I am not eating regularly or taking care of myself. She wants me to drink more even if I am not eating. I told her I felt like I needed to be back in the hospital but because of PT, I am holding off on it. She said PT will always be there and wants me to reach out to the office if I am feeling really bad. I felt really vulnerable. She said she would contact my psych team to let them know what we had talked about so we were all on the same page. She said she would give only small quantities of pain meds for me. I was grateful. She wants to see me in a couple of weeks to see how I am doing.

Since leaving the office, I have been feeling really down. I had to get home quickly as I had the bereavement group to go to. It went well for the first meeting. I am glad it is time limited. I couldn’t imagine being in this group for longer than that. It seems like a cool group to be in. I feel sad for the members who have lost significant people in their lives. I told them I was trans and how things were with my mother. I almost started crying. Just so many feelings.

I keep thinking I see my therapist on Mon but it is really Tues. She is in the office but I will still see her virtually. I came home and I was so fricken tired. I ate some stuff. My sister made eggplant which I was just thinking about the other day. I am glad she made it. Then I had some spinach with ranch dressing. It was good. I was still hungry. My other sister made some pasta with broccoli and I had some. I just took an Ensure with my night meds.

My disability pass has been canceled since I have been issued a new one but the problem is, I haven’t received the new one yet. So I will probably have to use the taxi vouchers to get to my appointments and to pick up my prescriptions. My pain med was called in but my insurance has to approve it. I hate this bullshit. I have no idea if they need a prior authorization or more information from my pcp. Or they are just fucking with me because it is an opioid medication.

My chest feels stiff. I have been trying to move my arm to get the scar tissue out but it has been difficult. The stuff just doesn’t want to budge. I hope in time it will be easier. I hope I don’t have to go to PT for it because I am sick of going to PT.

Feeling depressed today. Went to PT. Good news is I don’t have an injury to my foot. Just like I suspected, the muscles are tight. She taped it up and I’m to keep it on for a few days. It is sore. I am exhausted. Took out the recycle when I came home. Not sure if I am gonna listen to the game. I just want to sleep.

Pain is such an imposition

I found the meme that is perfect but I am nervous about sending it to my pcp. So I wrote her a letter explaining my CRPS journey as well as my pain med. My pain is not every day but it affects me when it flares up. I don’t need to be around the clock but I do need something to take care of it. Right now I am stuck with distraction and that only gets me so far. I told her I have seen pain psychologists and doctors to no help. I also fear that seeing them in light of what happened last fall might turn me away from opioid therapy. She is a new doc so I made the letter brief which can be looked up in my record but it will take some time.

I am trying to clear my room up a bit. I took out the boxes that were in my room. I didn’t realize I had four of them. I have other boxes but I am saving them for my cousin who needs boxes to ship stuff. I am working on my third cup of coffee today. I need it. I am listening to You’re Losing Me by Taylor. Still hitting me in the feels.

I brushed my teeth today. I need to shower as it has been a few days. I meant to shower yesterday but I was just so damn tired. I didn’t do a damn thing except order a pepperoni pizza. It was the only thing I ate all day. Today I had baked cauliflower and the rest of the pizza. I am starting to lose gas so I thought a cup of coffee might perk me up. I haven’t done anything except take boxes out of my room. I still have recycle on my bed that needs to go in a bag. My right foot is hurting today. PT is going to have fun with it tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I am hoping I just need a month of therapy for it.

I am missing my mother today in an awful way. I have wanted to call her at least three times so far today. I feel really sad. Not quite sure what to do with it. I distracted for a while. It seemed to help some.