random stuff 05072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Clearing out stuff and watching shows

I spent the morning watching Community on Netflix. I woke up around 4 am and watching it till about 6am then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I had my coffee around 10 when I woke up. I watched some more episodes and it has been a lazy kind of day today.

I took out a steak for dinner. I want to grill it so I am going to have my sister show me how to operate her grill. I made quiche for lunch. It was so good. I had my second cup of coffee. My sister made beets and squash so I had some of that. My mother is making escarole soup. It is a cool day today. Nice weather.

After lunch I got bored so went through one of my bins that I have in the hallway. I had a sheets at the bottom of the pile that I threw in the wash. They were all dusty and I don’t know how long they have been in there. I have found some comp notebooks and quite a few notepads and journals. I also found some coloring books. My sister saw one and claimed it. LOL one way to get rid of stuff.

My brother in law hasn’t been feeling good with his sinuses the past week. He still hasn’t put in my new AC because he doesn’t feel good. I feel bad for him but he won’t go to the doctor to get checked out. He is stubborn. My back is hurting from standing for the minutes I spent trying to clear out the hamper. I tried using a tennis ball to work out the knots and it hurt so bad. I think I am going to tell the PT I want dry needling done. I think it will help a whole lot. It really helped my shoulder pain.

I was grilling for the first time. I made a steak. It was good and tender. My brother in law said that he would put in the AC tomorrow after work. I am glad because it is going to get hot and muggy again later in the week.

I am seeing a new neurologist this week. I hope she is open and knows her stuff. She also does palliative care so I think she will be a good doctor for me. I have therapy tomorrow. I just realized that if I go to the weight clinic to lose the weight I need for top surgery, I would have to put suicide on the back burner and I am not ready to do that.

trauma comes when you least expect it

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Trauma comes up when you least expect it

WARNING talk about sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse

I was minding my business today. I was in my room killing time before going out when intrusive memories of my mother abusing me came through my mind. It was a vivid memory with sensory memories too. I remember how she touched me and then put her finger inside of me. I had just finished taking a shower when I was 13 or 14 years old. She noticed that my labia was long and she wanted to exam me. There was nothing wrong with me but in my mother’s warped mind there was. She looked and felt my genitals to her satisfaction and yet still brought me to the doctor. I feel so disgusted about this. I have no idea why I didn’t say no. You don’t think your own mother would harm you. But she did. She had me lay on my bed on my back with my knees up. I shiver when I think about it. She had no right touching me. She had no right looking at me the way she did. She had no right doing what she did. It hurts so much. And this is just one of the times she hurt me.

Saturday Blog 03072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 03072021

I watched a couple of episodes of the show Community on Netflix. I am finding it stupid funny. It is making me laugh so it is a good show. I am getting into it. I might spend the day watching it. I don’t know. I have a shit load of books I need to read and work on my book. I finally wrote a chapter last night. I am over 2,500 words. Once I have written 100 pages, I will start creating it on Amazon to get the copyright and ISBN numbers.

I woke up pretty tired. I had colon blow this morning. Every time I peed, crap was pouring out of me. I think it has finally stopped. I voided at 1140 and then had to go again an hour later so I cathed. I don’t think I am emptying my bladder when I void. It was only because the urge to go was so strong I didn’t cath. I am empty now and hopefully won’t have to go again until 4-5 hours later. I hate that I have to cath now to avoid pain from voiding. I don’t know if I am straining or if I am getting spasms while I pee. Just sucks because the risk of infection is higher with me having to cath.

It’s really cool today so I put on some long legged PJs. Such a drastic change compared to the week we had with temps 90 and above. I’ll take it though. I hate the heat. I wish this could be the temps year round. But it is supposed to be hotter and muggier towards the end of the week.

Tomorrow I am going to see my cousins who are visiting from Texas. We are having a brunch. It should be fun. I haven’t seen my cousins in a long time since before the pandemic. I only been keeping in touch via zoom, which isn’t the same thing.

My ankle pain has returned. The bones are aching so bad with this damp weather. I am just going to try and stay off my feet for the rest of the day. I will just watch Community until the Sox game tonight. Think I will order Chinese food for tonight so I don’t have to cook. I am addicted to Kung Pao chicken.

a rainy blah day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A rainy blah day

Alarm went off for my morning meds and I was still sleepy so I took my meds and went back to sleep thinking I would be up for my 1130 appointment. No such luck. The NP called me. We discussed the questions I had and she said that I should just cath rather than try to void because of the pain. It is unclear whether I am straining or getting spasms while voiding that is causing me the discomfort so to avoid that, I am to cath. I am ok for catheters right now because I am still voiding. Sometimes the urge to go is too strong and I don’t have time to insert a catheter. I am glad to cath because I completely empty my bladder so I don’t have to worry about not emptying and going again in two hours, unless I drink a lot of fluids.

After the phone call, I had to get some coffee. I didn’t wear my glasses because I was still too sleepy. I brought my phone down with me but without my glasses, I couldn’t read the messages. I drank my coffee in relative silence as I had the kitchen to myself. I was going to go to the grocery store for half and half but it was raining and I didn’t feel like going out. I ended up ordering it through amazon so I can get it delivered. I love this. I never have to go to a store anymore for things I need. I just have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds.

I placed an order on MLB.com and the order got lost. It said that it was delivered yesterday but I am not able to locate the package. Either it wasn’t delivered or someone swiped the package. I was able to get it reshipped so I was happy about that. I just hate that it is taking forever to get. I want it now! LOL

I signed up for Netflix again to watch the show Community like my therapist recommended. I only watched the first show so have no opinion on it yet. I haven’t found it hysterical like my therapist said but she said it takes a couple episodes so I will watch another one today. I heard there is going to be a season 2 of Good Omens. I cannot wait. I love that show. I watched it twice. It was very good.

I had asked my pcp if taking Miralax every day was safe. He said as long as I am taking it once a day it is ok because of the meds I am on. I hate that it take a couple of days to work when I don’t take it every day. The weather dropped thirty degrees. It is so nice having the house cool again. I had to shut off the AC as it was too cold in my room. It’s supposed to be in the 60’s all weekend and then become hot again next week. I see my new neuro next week. I hope she is competent and I get along with her.