midnightdemons7

Friday ramblings 25042025

I didn’t get up early like I wanted to. It was much colder today than it has been all week. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I had my coffee. Then I worked on my Italian. I took my quiz and turned it in. I then did the homework and was half way done when it was time for therapy. She only gave me a half hour because she double booked herself. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. I just feel apathetic.

I had something to eat. I took my migraine shot. I am almost out of the migraine supplement. I don’t think I will be able to get more until my check comes in next week.

I feel so low today. I just want to stay in bed. Nothing is enticing me to get out of bed or out of the house. I feel so tired all the damn time. All I can think about is death. How I would do it. I really can’t wait to do it. But I am worried that if I live, it won’t be pleasant.

I was supposed to buzz my hair today but I never got around to it. I don’t care. I can keep it like it is. It is just itchy as hell for some reason. I have been using a dandruff shampoo so I don’t know why it itches. I want to start shaving it again. But that might now happen as I can barely keep up taking care of myself. I am making sure I eat even though I don’t want to. Keeping up with fluids has been very difficult.

I feel like going to the psych ER but I don’t want to wait for hours to be seen and treated like an inpatient by being forced to change to scrubs. It just isn’t enough that I am talking to my therapist. Nothing is physically wrong with me and I feel so tired all the time. My PFTs were good so no lung problems. Yet the muscles around my lungs hurt every single fucking day. I feel sort of suicidal. I want to die. Last night I was reading some stuff on suicide ideation and there was this term called death ideation. I guess I have that more than being suicidal. My therapist asked what coping skills I use. I don’t fucking know. None? It’s not that I actively think about skills when I am distressed. I mostly just let them pass or I write about them. In a peer support article that I shared with my DMH worker, it mentioned the website Now Matters Now (https://nowmattersnow.org/) . I remember when it came out. I think Marsha Linehan had a hand in it and then Ursula Whiteside possibly took it over. I am not sure. It has good resources on it.

I’ve decided I am staying in bed tomorrow. Fuck everything. I will finish my Italian but that is all I am doing.

Want to stay in bed

I got out of bed reluctantly because of class but my prof canceled because his shoulder was hurting him. His doctor kept him out of work. I hope he will be ok. I was happy I didn’t have to leave the house. I have been in a depressed mood most of the day. At one point I wanted to die. The thoughts just seem to come out of no where. I am not usually doing anything. I am just in my room and the thoughts will come.

My allergies have been bad all day. The pollen count is high. Has been the past three days. The weather has been super nice though. I have liked being on my new deck with the puppy. I had a couple cups of coffee today, one hot and one iced. It is really all I had to drink. I did have some water with dinner. My bladder has still been cramping all week. I might have to take pyridium. If I still have them tomorrow I am going to call my doc.

I tried reading the Eng stuff but nothing was making sense. It was a PDF and I find it really hard to read and get sometimes. A physical book or paper is better for me than reading on my laptop. I did some suicide research as this week is the Suicide Research Symposium. I have been following it but haven’t attended. It was good to see the new research. I don’t know the funding situation for this type of research. I hope the ongoing work that Jobes has done is not affected by the NIH cuts.

I am so fucking tired. I just took my night meds and a Reese’s treat. My stomach hurts from dinner. It had too much garlic in it. My stomach and garlic don’t get along. There was no way to avoid it as it was minced. My foot has been acting up the past few hours. I just want to go to bed. But it is too early and I don’t want to wake up at 2am.

Stressed to the max

All week I have been working on my English paper and I finally finished it today and turned it in so it wouldn’t affect me anymore. Now I am having terrible anxiety because I need to start the new book, which I am behind on, as well as do my Italian. I have a quiz this week but I think I am going to do better on it because I understand it more. I am still freaking out about the oral exam I got to take next week. I got to come up with a story and memorize it so I can speak it.

I had therapy today and it went well. My father’s death anniversary is Friday. We talked about it today and it is more that I am sad that I didn’t have a father that I needed. Of course, I didn’t have a mother I needed either but oh well. You can’t pick your family as the saying goes. We also talked about how stressed I am about school. I am down to the last few weeks and everything seems crammed in.

I took a shower today and while drying off, I almost fell. Nobody was home so it wouldn’t have been good. I was glad I took one as I have been feeling crappy all week. I’ve been sweating and I stunk. I wanted to take a shower yesterday before my niece’s birthday party but I woke up at 230 and didn’t go back to sleep. I ended up taking a nap for a few hours and woke up just as the party started. There was no time to shower. I feel wicked depressed. But I managed to get out of bed this week. It has been so difficult because my sleep has been so terrible. I managed to sleep most of the night until I had to pee. I got up around 7 I think as my sister was leaving for work. I was supposed to see my therapist in person but I just couldn’t. I knew if I left the house, my paper wasn’t going to get done. I will try and see her next week. We have just been meeting virtually. I see her again on Friday.