midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 08032025

I’ve been up since 3. I woke up to pee and that was it. I couldn’t go back to sleep to save my life. I did my homework. I just got to read my book, which I haven’t done yet. I got a migraine after I had breakfast. Not a good thing when you are trying to translate and understand a language. I had to have a friend help me a little because I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. The last page of the homework, I left blank because it was a video and the audio was terrible. You had to fill in the paragraph to what the woman was saying. I said screw that. I had already listened to a recording like 20 times to get the answers to the questions. I wasn’t going to do the same for something I could barely hear.

I took down one bag of recycling today. Tomorrow I will try and do a little more. I have a lot as I haven’t done it in a while. I plan on showering after I write this blog. I would have showered last night but my sister decided to clean the bathroom when she came home from work. I was not happy.

I was thinking about the book I am reading for class. I think I am going to write a summary of what I read so far as there are a lot of characters to keep track of. The prof has made a note sheet of the characters and other stuff but I want to put it in my own words. It’s hard reading this not really knowing what the next paper is going to be on. I think next week’s classes are going to be about the book. I am just about caught up where I should be on the syllabus. I want to read one more chapter tonight and then another tomorrow. My migraine has gone away. I am tired though but I think the shower will wake me up some.

Crashing down

I woke up a little before 7 to pee. I took my meds and I should have stayed up but I went back to sleep and now I feel like shit. I tried to work on my Italian but I have no clue what the fuck I am doing. I have to look at the book for answers. I had my two cups of coffee but haven’t eaten anything. I ordered a pizza.

I am feeling more and more of not really knowing what I am feeling. I just know I am depressed and don’t feel joy. My friend called the not knowing Alexithymia and I know I have anhedonia. There was a book published on anhedonia either the end of last year or this year. I can’t remember but it was expensive. I think I got the PDF version of it but I don’t remember if I have it on my phone or laptop. One of these days I will read it.

My sister tried giving me a guilt trip last night by saying I don’t do shit around the house. So while I was drinking coffee I emptied the dishwasher and loaded it. I had the energy to do it. It’s rare but it does happen. She doesn’t understand it. My other sister wonders where I have been. I haven’t really talked to her since she scolded me the last we had coffee. I don’t want to hear it from both of my sisters that I don’t do anything around the house. I just feel like that is double teaming and I won’t stand for it. So I just been in my room more. Fuck them.

I need to shower today but I am not feeling it. I sweat a lot last night. I was fucking freezing and then got really hot. My shirt was damp when I went pee. I hate when my shirt gets wet. I end up really stinking.

I have been fricken sneezing most of the day today. Pollen is up. I am taking the allegra twice a day. I did it to see if it made a difference. It has slightly. I am not sneezing so much in the middle of the night anymore. Hope the pollen isn’t horrendous this season. I hate spring. All I do is sneeze.

34 years ago

Today marks 34 years since my first real attempt at trying to kill myself. I was 15. I cut myself but just did superficial cuts. I entered the world of cutting that day. It would continue for the next nine years or so. My parents separated and the world as I knew it ended. I didn’t care about school anymore. I was a straight A student. I had perfect attendance. I didn’t care about it at all. I just wanted to die. In the end, I ended up a B student. I found it extremely hard to earn the A’s and just couldn’t put forth the effort.

I read the note my professor gave on my quiz. Just as I suspected, I got things a little confused and he wants me to go over the material again. I think I am going to make office hours with him as I really am having trouble with that particular material. I tried to do the Italian work today but I was too tired. I woke up in the middle of the night again. Couldn’t sleep for the life of me. I was tossing and turning. I read for a bit. I read a chapter in my book. I also looked over the Italian stuff. It seems easier than the reflexive verbs we were doing. But then I go on the Connect thing and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing or supposed to do. UGH. I’ll figure it out tomorrow.

My DMH worker had a change of plans for tomorrow so I talked with her today. I was glad because my therapist canceled yesterday and I needed to talk to someone. We had a good talk. I am not sure what my plans are for tomorrow. I need to pick up my meds and get bloodwork done. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I need to be up by 10 to get things going. I set my alarm. I just hope I don’t have a middle of the night awakening.

Rough day

I woke up just once during the night to pee and was able to get back to sleep. I woke up with my alarm. Just as I turned it off, my therapist’s office called. She is sick and canceled the appointment. I went back to sleep. I didn’t get up until my med alarm for my T went off. I got a message from the online web thing for school saying my quiz has been graded. I looked and failed the test. I feel so rotten. I knew I did it wrong. I think I did it backwards or something.

I don’t know if there is class tomorrow. The professor said he would email today and he hasn’t. Maybe tomorrow morning. I don’t know. I read a few pages last night before bed. I was having horrible anxiety and I was so damn tired. I really was expecting to wake up around midnight but I didn’t thank god.

I made a roasted chicken breast with potatoes for dinner. I had a burrito for lunch so wasn’t too hungry for the chicken but wanted the potatoes. I will have the chicken tomorrow. Maybe over some rice.

I have been thinking about getting bottom surgery, just the meta part not the phallo. The trouble is the procedure is not done where I get my care. I would have to go to another Boston hospital. But the surgeon is supposed to be really good so I will go. I just got to make an appointment.

My prof just sent an email that class is canceled for tomorrow. I am hoping to do some reading tonight as I am behind. Tomorrow I plan to do my Italian work. I am going to see if I can see my therapist on Friday if she has an opening. I see my DMH worker in the afternoon.

I was doomscrolling and had to stop because I read the felon was going to cut 80,000 people from the Veterans Affairs office. I have tried to stay off today as I can’t take anymore bad news about the country going up in flames. Seems gas is being added every day and no one is putting out the fires. But everything is fine…