midnightdemons7

What am I even doing?

I woke up around 7 to pee and I should have stayed up but wanted to sleep a few more hours before my appointment. I took my meds after using the bathroom and then snoozed. I ended up falling in a deep sleep and when the alarm went off, it was so hard to get up. My head hurt but nothing coffee wouldn’t fix. Or so I thought.

I met with my therapist. We were talking about how the week was going. She didn’t have a lot to say about my dissociation experience Monday. Parts of me wanted to say that I was suicidal and in a bad way but I kept this from her. She asked what we were doing and I have no fucking clue. It was the start of my downward spiral. I felt useless. I didn’t even think I was worthy of therapy. Then I had a few conversations with my sisters and felt worse. I just wanted to fucking die, not exist anymore. All I wanted to do today was work on my paper but the headache became a fucking migraine with brain fog and I can’t think to save my life right now.

We made an appointment to meet next week. It’s supposed to be in person. Medicare is taking away telehealth appointments so I think I have only one month left of virtual and then it’s over. I don’t know how I am supposed to do my psychiatry appointments. I have a lot of appointments this month. Everything I bothering my head. I had to put my phone on vibrate. Everyone decided to respond to my texts or messages at the same time so the noise was killing me. I tried napping but couldn’t do it. I ended up having an anxiety attack. I just don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. I am stressed as it is with family and school. I don’t know if I can finish my degree. I am doing my best to get by and “live” when I don’t want to.

I am not back to my suicidal ways, the constriction that took over once I became suicidal is not there. I do think about suicide and acting on it. But I don’t have a concrete plan. I entertain the thoughts. It sometimes make me panic a little, especially as I did overdose last time while I was in a dissociative state. Luckily, what I want to OD on isn’t readily accessible. I would have to look for it.

I’ve been down all day. I did my Italian quiz and I don’t think I did it right. I realized after I turned it in, i never did the discussion for last week. Shit. Oh well.

I didn’t go to class today because I didn’t read the book. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I woke up around midnight and really didn’t go back to sleep. I sort of just dozed off here and there. I haven’t gone back to the paper. I have 3 and a half days to do it. I’ll try tomorrow after therapy.

I spoke with my sister last night. It wasn’t good news. It made me panic and want to die. I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t think I am going to last with this administration. They are just a bunch of cruel people.

I am supposed to meet my DMH worker tomorrow. I’m hoping to see her in person. If I do, I’m getting Starbucks. I just hope I can walk without pain.

I got a headache so I’ll probably go to bed early. My appt is early tomorrow but it’s virtual so that is good. I’ll try to get up so I can have at least one cup of coffee.

I overslept and missed therapy. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I had my coffee and then spent the afternoon doing my Italian. It wore me out. I still need to do the quiz. I laid down after I had something to eat. I just feel really tired today.

Out of fucking spoons

Yesterday and today I woke up at 6am. I tried to go back to sleep today but it wasn’t happening. I had my coffee and something to eat and then I got dressed to go to class. My legs felt kind of stiff as I was walking to the bus stop. My hamstrings are tight. It is making things very difficult but I know if I try to stretch, it will cause me pain. Stretching never seems to work for me.

Class went ok. I had to use the bathroom as my niece’s boyfriend was using the bathroom and I couldn’t go before leaving the house. I had like three cups of coffee, including a Starbucks drink. The men’s room near class didn’t have disability stalls. I found another bathroom near the front of the building that did and luckily was not in use. I had some papers to print out so I did that before leaving the building. I walked back to the shuttle stop and I was so out of breath. By the time I came home, I was done. I went to my room and rested before cooking dinner. When I got up to cook, my legs felt like cement. I am totally out of fucking spoons.

I figured while my dinner cooks, I would do my Italian homework except this week it is a timed assignment and I only get one attempt. There was no way I could start it while my dinner cooked. I exited out of it and got a saved progress message. I didn’t even hit start. Hope that doesn’t count against me. I will try and do it tomorrow. I don’t know when I will work on my English paper. I am overwhelmed with it. It has to be at least four pages.

Yesterday around 9pm, I realized I lost time. I dissociated between noon and nine. I remember I went to pick up my meds but it’s sketchy. I don’t remember leaving the house but remember being in the store and waiting at the bus stop. Don’t remember the ride home or getting home or what I did once I got home. It’s all vague. Right now I am so damn tired I want to nap. I am listening to RED TV. It’s one of my favorite albums. I don’t know what was going on at campus but they had different tables of people selling stuff. There was a Taylor Swift collection. I looked through it and then had to leave before I bought something or a few somethings. It’s bad enough I follow some of her groups on Facebook and they have pics of her in spectacular clothes. I have saved my favorites.

I messaged my therapist about yesterday. I see her tomorrow. I also sent a message to my psychiatrist, who hasn’t responded. I hate it when I send messages and get no responses. Pisses me off.