not sleeping

****might be triggering to some people****

I was hoping to get a session today with my therapist but she is booked up. The urges I have to cut have not decreased. I am trying all the coping strategies that I know to not think about it. It is helping a little bit but I still want to cut. I want to feel the razor against my skin and the ultimate pain it will bring. Writing about it in detail helps me a little bit. But it also makes me want to do it more. It is a good release to see it on paper but not when I don’t actually do it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had self-harm urges in a very long time. I took a walk to day and am watching my ravenous eight year old eat full meals. She said she had lunch but man is she hungry after school. But then I remember I would have at least 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I came home from school almost every day. Guess she takes after me.

My therapist just texted me and I will have a session with her tonight.

One of my favorite country singers just tweeted that she listened to a symphony 3. I am playing it on Youtube while I am typing this and it is sorrowful. It is powerful. I like it though. Weird I had a dream about her when she had short hair last night. I guess my head was missing her as I have not played her songs since I went to her concert in May. She is the only singer I can listen to when I am agitated and will be able to calm me down. I would listen to her now but I really am not in the mood to listen to music as I got to write four pages.

I woke up around 4 this morning and didn’t go back to sleep till 9. I am very sleepy. I wish I could take a nap now but I can’t. I haven’t had coffee yet but I think I will soon. I finally bought half and half.
When I checked my stats today, I found that a search term for vocabulary of suicide found its way to my blog. Person was from the ROK. Haven’t had that visitor in a while. It got me thinking that I should include some thing about suicide facts into my book so I copied the vocabulary and posted it in my book. I am not up to 130 pages! While I was up this morning, I also decided to write a few pages more on my mini suicide attempt I had in October. I think it is important to know what goes on in someone’s mind when they are thinking about killing themselves. You never know who you can help.