I was sleepy today. I stayed in bed most of the day to try and give my leg some rest. I am getting hungry even though I just had a small pizza and cherry pie. I guess because I didn’t eat much yesterday, it is catching up with me today. I really want to order a burger with avocado but I am holding off for now on that.
I tried writing my intro and I think I have it ok enough. I might look at it tomorrow and make changes. I want to have this book done by January so I can be ready for the editor when she is ready for it. I also took down the names of the chapters that I have so far. I have to type them up tonight. I have been busy and I have not had a cup of coffee. I probably should. Maybe it will dampen my appetite.
I tried to find the blog I wrote about grief but I think I forgot to tag it as such. And of course, I don’t remember what I called it. I know it is recent though. I will go through my blogs and see if I can find it. Another mission that requires coffee!
I am feeling really down. Not suicidal down, but down to the point where I don’t want to do anything but just sleep. I was up late last night playing my stupid game. I just realized that by me having multiple accounts, I am just playing against myself. How is that for fun! But there are only a few players that play consistently to give you stuff so it is hard getting all the stuff you are requesting. I know I am probably just rambling on here about the stupid game but it really annoys me.
I really don’t want to be here anymore, and I don’t mean in my room. I think the book is getting to me. It’s giving me anxiety that I never dealt with before and I don’t like it. I was writing the intro today and I had to stress I wasn’t a medical professional because I don’t want people to read this and think yea I got it and go by my suggestions on what to do. I don’t have any suggestions. I might post them on this blog but I will post a disclaimer just in case someone does something and they get injured by it. I have to do that because everyone loves to sue somebody in the US. I think it’s because of lawyers. I hate lawyers but they have to earn their living. I just don’t understand why it has to be at someone else’s expense. A Corporation I can see, but a person, that is going too far.
So I am going to order a California burger because I need meat and pray that it is not dried out and disgusting. I should order the Taza Chocolate with cinnamon but that might be going overboard.
And it was a good burger. HUGE but good. I didn’t finish it all. It was like having two whoppers! But I loved eating the avocado. I wish I would remember to buy them when I am in the store but I never do.
I still am feeling low. I am thinking once more of killing myself. I don’t think I will act on it. It’s just that the thoughts are there. Whenever I get low, that is my go to place. I can’t stand living like this. My ankle is starting to hurt. I am so full from that burger that my stomach hurts. I only had ¾’s of it. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Why do I have to live when I don’t want to? Why does society demand that this is not right thinking? I bet if they felt this pain they would want to die too. I know everyone’s pain is different but come on, I have been suffering enough.
midnightdemons7 