rambling 62

For want of a latte

I really want a latte today but it’s Sunday and it would take me at least 2 hours to get to Starbucks by public transportation. So I think I am just going to make a cup of coffee and work on my next book.

I know that I am technically not supposed to do any writing until the first/second of January but I am bored. I also know that I need to finished my ending for my book but I just can’t seem to focus on it. I think it’s done anyway and I don’t want to tinker with it.

I slept really good last night. I took my phone off the ringer and I am glad I did because I had like several messages from different apps that would have woken me up. I still am tired because I haven’t had any caffeine yet. I feel like I could go back to sleep and just sleep the day away. I don’t know why I don’t do that. It’s a dreary day anyways. I have no idea what time the Pats are playing today. Course, I am not that interested in watching them play. Last week was pathetic but we got the win. Well, it was pathetic on the other team’s side as we scored two touchdowns in the fourth quarter with in like two minutes. That made the score ridiculous. I could go online and check the time on NFL.com but why bother. I’ll know soon enough.

I cannot wait for baseball season to start. I miss it so very much. I started working on my next book chapter anyways and it sucks. I go on about how suicidal I am and what goes on and such. It’s lame. I don’t think I am going to touch it. I will hold onto it for sentimental reasons but I don’t think it will be included in the book as it is too depressing. I know my writing partner will want to be hopeful and cheery. But that is not how I write. I am not a cheery person, nor am I a positive person. I see the glass as half empty.

I need to shower today. My menses have stopped! Finally I get a breather! It’s back to boxers!! Maybe I will after I write this. I think in addition, I will include a writing about Aeschi in my next blog. I realized I don’t have a blog post that is just on the subject. I have one on CAMS but not Aeschi. That will give me something to focus on in the New Year. It will be really interesting where the New Year will lead me. I will have my first book published. I am kind of scared and happy this is going to happen. And the hardest part of this is that my family has no clue this is happening. Sure my sisters sort of know about it but my mother has no clue. Her family doesn’t have a clue. Some of them are on Facebook so they might have a clue. I don’t know. We aren’t exactly a close family. I know my father has no clue nor would I want him to. The book isn’t something that he would be showing off with pride because it deals a lot with my suicide demons. I still get frustrated when my co-writing friend calls me a “suicide attempt” survivor. I still don’t know why that is. Maybe it is just that I feel like I am being labeled and I don’t like to be labeled or there is a hint of shame in that that I am suppressing. Whatever it is, I am really hurt by it. But it’s true and that is the sad part.

I don’t think hurt is really the word I am looking for. Embarrassed? I don’t know. But when she says it, I just feel something and it is hurtful. Question is why. I guess when I talk with my therapist on Thursday I will ask her.