What I’ve done

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, transgender

*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******

What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.

2 thoughts on “What I’ve done”

  1. I hear you about names. For me, my chosen name is my real name. I have a birth name that is real as well I guess, but my chosen name is as real if not more so. This is true of pronoun usage too. That means when someone doesn’t use the name that identifies me it hurts a lot. It feels like they don’t see me or refuse to see me. I am sorry that it ended up in you needing to release that pain through cutting yourself. To me that says the pain was trapped.Stuffing down my pain never helps me. Releasing it does. Sometimes I release it through art or music. But as you say, sometimes it is just too deep for those measures. Maybe next time the pain will be closer to the surface and you will be able to release in in another way. I call this incremental healing. Each time I catch it just a mite sooner.

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