remaining question

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicidality, suicide, transgender

I had to ask her the remaining question she had for me at the end of session Thursday. I could have just let it be but no, curiosity got the better of me. And I knew it was going to be an unpleasant subject: my being transgender. The question was how did I see myself moving forward. Trouble is, I don’t see how I am going to go forward. I will never be a son to my parents nor a brother to my sisters. And that hurts. She is probably the only person in the world that sees me as a guy. I have one friend that sees me that way but I don’t see him often enough. I feel so torn because I was brought up as a girl and I keep thinking to myself I am crazy because I am a boy. I asked her the question and now I am all torn up about what to do with the answers. What is worse, she brought up my suicidality and I feel that it has been stirred up again. I truly rather die than try to “fight” as a male. I even begun to call myself a “her” though it is so idiosyncratic. It doesn’t even jibe with what I feel. I just figure I will die some day and that will be that. But my book is coming out and soon the world will know I am a guy, a “he” not a “she”. Yet, I know it is because of the things on my chest that are truly defining me not my mentality. How I wish I could just lob them off, for good. Maybe I should have gone to medical school just to learn a little bit about surgery. Too late now.
I had to ask the question and I won’t talk to her again till Wednesday. It’s only 48 hrs. But I will be wrestling with my suicidality until then. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who will understand. And my crazy cousin will be calling me soon to discuss his anxiety problems. I think I am going to tell him tonight that I am a male. Maybe he won’t talk to me again. Maybe he will think I went off my rocker. I won’t tell him about being suicidal. He doesn’t like talk like that. But then he has known me all my life as a female and calls me such. I don’t know what to do. Why this has to be so fucking difficult. Yet I know that if I didn’t ask her what her question was, all of this turmoil wouldn’t be felt. I feel so stupid. She thinks this is the answer to my suicidality by going forward being transgendered. I have no idea what the hell it means. Just changing my damn name seems like a hassle. And it’s not that I am changing it drastically to something else. I don’t know. You think about these things but you never think them all the way through. If I had the support of my family, maybe things might be different. But they can’t even handle my homosexuality. How in the world are they going to handle me being a man? I might as well just end up six feet under. It will be better for everyone. When the truth hits the fan, if my book is ever published, maybe then it will be easier to kill myself.

2 thoughts on “remaining question”

  1. I never thought you to be anything other than male. This is how you were made, inside where it matters. You have to be who YOU are, and not let others define you. If they try to, or say that your illness is confusing you, you might have to let go of them for a bit until you feel more comfortable in your own skin. You are not gay, you are a transgendered male who is attracted to women, at least that is how I feel you have described yourself (which is what matters, who better to define oneself?). Only your body has not cooperated with your brain…but that is just your outer shell. Be you, and once you become used to being you, others will be better able to as well, I imagine.

    You have so much on your plate to have to worry about your cousin’s anxiety… It cracks me up when someone contacts me to talk to them about their illnesses or feelings. I am constantly telling people although I am very comfortable talking about my experiences and illnesses; I am not a professional and I am still trying to figure myself out…I cannot help them work out their confusion and depression (or whatever they are working with). But I have plenty of resources I could pass over to them.

    I am so glad to see you writing your true feelings, even the scary ones. But take this one day at a time. Don’t plan your leaving this world. Plan on getting through the day and working through today’s feelings. That is how I manage my anxiety in wondering how I can keep going on knowing the pain is chronic and the confusion and all that goes with my diagnosis will not be cured. But I have had accomplishments, and so have you!! I very much look forward to your book, and reading your future adventures; good, bad and ugly…

    {{hugs}}

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  2. You have the voice of a man. At least, I assumed you were a man from reading you, and we’ve never met. A few weeks later you posted about being TG & I was surprised. I never would have guessed you’d been born in a female body.

    That’s strictly from reading your words. Well, you do also have the Red Sox icon on your Twitter bio. But, I think that counts for something. It’s a display of what’s inside of you.

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any thoughts?