rethinking small price to pay

Pink Pill and rethinking small price to pay

For the third night in a row, I have had the rubber band stretch/my muscles are string beans feeling in my arms. I know I am really tired and that is a cause of it but I am so sick of dealing with this night after night. What is disturbing me is that my left hand will clench and I can’t open it until the Ativan works. So typing or trying to use my hand is difficult to say the least. I am rethinking the “small price to pay” thoughts because this is ridiculous.

I somehow emailed my psychiatrist about this. I am waiting to hear back because I just don’t know what to do. My hand clenching is not new. It does it when I am really tired and will release once the meds work. But while the meds are trying to work I got to deal with this hell and I am wondering if it is worth it. I haven’t had a psychotic break in a long time, more than a year. So maybe tampering with the drug might be in order, say taking it every other day rather than every day. Cost is too much to bear so that is another factor. It is the most expensive prescription that I have. But there is nothing that I can switch to that will work as well as this drug. I have tried them all. I know that I would not be thinking these things if I didn’t have these side effects tonight more than usual. But I am really tired after dealing with my father all day that wasn’t planned. But it is good that I went to see him because he had something serious wrong with him. Figures.

But back to my debate. I have benefits of the drug. I have minimal side effects other than the one that I am experiencing now. It takes away the paranoia, the voices, the delusional thinking. I really don’t want to end up back in the hospital because I went off my meds. No, I am not proposing that. I think that tampering with them might be a solution. I just need to get my psychiatrist on board. If I start losing it or become more stressed that is causing psychosis, I will go back to the normal routine. But right now, all I want are these muscle contractions to stop.