Feeling like crap
Again I woke up at 0430 in the morning in pain. This is stressing me out big time because it’s disturbing my sleep. I haven’t done much all day except try and sleep and keep of my ankle. My father wants me to visit him in the hospital but I am too wiped out. There is no way I can go. I already canceled my pdoc appointment today because I am just wiped out physically. I am really tired. But I am eating which is good. I haven’t really eaten much the last two days. Mostly from worry, mostly because I didn’t have time to eat. Or I just didn’t know what I wanted to eat. Last night I made Elio’s pizza. I won’t be having that again any time soon. The only good thing about it was the crust. I felt like I was eating ketchup with something that is supposed to be cheese on a crust. Maybe I cooked it too long and that was why it didn’t taste good. I don’t know. But I am back on track today.
Did I mention how tired I am today? I slept for most of the day and would still be sleeping if people didn’t keep calling me. My aunt called but I have no idea why as I accidently erased the voicemails she left me. I don’t know how the hell that happened. I never delete a message without hearing it first.
Last night I was feeling poorly. I feel it is my fault my father is sick. If I had got his medication right, he wouldn’t be sick. Least that is my rationale. So I had a few shots of gin last night with my medication. I took my pain meds and Ativan and then a couple shots of gin. Then I thought about it some more and decided two wasn’t enough, so I had four. That knocked me on my ass so I finally fell asleep before 11pm. I just didn’t care last night. I feel really guilty. I know realistically, there was probably nothing that I could have done. He could have had the ulcer anyways, but I just feel bad because if I just kept on top of his meds, this could have been avoided. The doc said that it was a big ulcer so I don’t think I am fully to blame for it. Something that big takes time to form, longer than the missed meds.
I learned a few things about this experience. I don’t ever want to under go an endoscopic procedure. It just takes a lot out of you and the thought of a tube going down the throat doesn’t make me want it more. I am going to get a health care proxy, though I don’t know who that will be.
I still feel like drinking gin. Despite waking up early, I slept pretty well last night. I am not advocating for drinking before med especially when you take psych meds but drinking is how I deal with my father. Always have been. He just annoys me enough to just want to drink. And the only time I do drink is when I get into scuffles with my father. It doesn’t have to be gin. I could drink any alcohol beverage, but gin is all I have right now. I ran out of my whiskey.
I just had a foggy notion of emailing my pdoc and telling her I am drinking gin more. But I stopped myself from doing it. I was talking with a blogger friend that is in crisis. She really needed someone to talk to and I don’t know how the gin came up. But she knew that I was dealing with my father if I was drinking gin. Funny how people know me so well. Yet my therapist of almost 14 years can’t figure me out for shit. Maybe she is going through some difficulty in her life and it is affecting her work with me. She seems more distant on the phone lately.
Think I am going to drink some more gin and then pass out. Hopefully, I will feel better in the morning.
midnightdemons7 