I have been having a difficult day. Bladder issues continued. My urine test finally came back and I don’t have a UTI like I thought I did. So now my bladder pain will be unresolved while I am here.

I got a bad wave of suicidal urge after dinner. Not sure why. It might have been my frustrations I am having with my damn bowels. I’ve been constipated all week and now I am bloated really bad. I feel so uncomfortable between the pressure of bowels and bladder pain. I tried pushing to see if that would let the stools out but it didn’t work. When I told a nurse she said that is the “wrong” way to go. Obviously she has never dealt with a nerve damaged bowel. I am so frustrated that the damaged caused by cauda equina syndrome is making the side effects of opioid therapy so much worse. I wish I had my damn fiber pills so I could fucking go. My contact person tonight is the charge nurse. He wanted to give me a second dose of Miralax but I think if I do, the odds of colon blow will be increased three fold. I already am on the verge of it. I am passing gas so I know stool isn’t too far away.

Family has been driving me crazy today. I don’t feel like returning my mother’s phone calls. Just don’t feel like talking to her. My middle sister texted me earlier, asking how I was and why I was here. I told her and asked her not to tell my mother. After I sent this, my mother called. I hope she didn’t tell her. I can’t cope with them right now.

I told my contact person that my urges were overwhelming me so he had me take an ativan. He asked how many I take at home and I said if I took one every time I got the urge, I’d be overdosing. I am so sleepy right now. Night meds will be at 8, though I am not sure it will start then as a patient needs to be transferred to a medical ER due to a problem they are having. This is the 2nd patient sent out today. The 1st was on a suspected appendicitis. Just nuts. This is my first admission where patients have had to be transferred out.

One of my baseball Twitter buddies posted some kitten pics. Her parents are fostering and omg are they fricken cute. There are some tiger kinds and a ginger. They are so adorable. I want a kitten so bad. Wish my mother would let me have one.

I’ve been doing the study stuff today. It is kind of getting boring as it is the same questions but in a different order every time I get one. Wearing the smart watch with my hospital band is annoying me. I want to rip the hospital band off but they need to scan it for meds and stuff. I hate it but part of being a patient on a unit.

I feel so hopeless. I don’t think I am going to get out of this pit I am in. I also feel so melancholic. I tried reading. I was able to read two chapters before I couldn’t read anymore. Also been writing in my journal and did the mood thing. Have just one more block for the day which I will do before bed.

any thoughts?

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