Irritable and pissy

I got spoken to by my attending doc because someone read my blog and reported me because I wrote about a patient. I was so pissed off. I have no idea who this person was but if you are reading this fuck you. I am so sick of being censored on my own fucking blog, like I can’t write something without someone getting pissed off or think I am in danger without talking to me first. For fucks sake THIS IS MY FUCKING BLOG AND I WILL FUCKING WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!!!! SO IF THIS FUCKING OFFENDS YOU OR HURTS YOU IN SOME FUCKING WAY, STOP FUCKING READING THIS AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!!

I am not having a good day. I haven’t been caffeinated enough. I have thought of getting coffee but kind of too late in the afternoon. I just had group and there were a few patients that got on my nerves. I can’t wait to go home, which should be Thursday. I finally feel ready. I am having a phone conference call with my middle sister tomorrow. I just hope it will be useful and not a disaster. I also hope I don’t blow up and leave the room.

My right calf keeps locking up today for some reason. I have been working on nearly every day while I have been in here. Seems heat has been the only thing to calm it down and make it useful again. For months I have been trying to strengthen and keep it loose but damn thing refuses to cooperate. So frustrating because it hurts when walking and even sitting in a chair will cramp it up. I am just about ready to give up on working on it. It’s been 5 months I have been in PT and there has been minimal changes.

I haven’t met with my check in person. She is new and I really don’t feel like talking to someone new again. I am so fucking frustrated because I just can’t seem to get my mind off all the shit I need to do to when I get out of here. I am to have an appt with my PCP over something with my privates and it is just freaking me out. I still don’t have a therapist so left a message with my PCP’S social worker about it. The therapist I left a message to yesterday hasn’t called me back yet. Uro moved my appt to Aug but that doesn’t help me. Hoping my pcp can have a consult or push through somethings to get seen sooner. Maybe he can also figure out if I am on the right med or not. I will be leaving with a script for the med.

I sort of am trying to work on a stop gap measure to sort of break the cycle of suicidal thoughts->urges->wanting to act. I know I won’t be able to get rid of the thoughts, those will always be there, but if I can somehow manage the urges/perturbations before I start planning again, maybe I won’t end up here again.

I talked to my writer friend about the book I want to write. She gave me the name of a book she read that helped her with her book. I just bought it. I plan on reading it whenever I fricken have the space to. My head is so full of things and shit that I just can’t read right now. I finished the John Grisham novel the other day. I’ve been leaving the Harry Potter book because I have been so wrapped up in other stuff mentally. Plus Umbridge gets me infuriated so i have to calm down before I can go back to reading it.

I emailed my psych last night with an update and wanting an appt. She responded but didn’t give me an appt. So I emailed her back. Still waiting for a response. I just made one up for the social worker. I didn’t want that to hold up my discharge. She didn’t say anything about the med increase but looks like I will have enough until I see her I am going up to 150mg of lamictal tonight or tomorrow morning. I am not sure it is doing anything for my mood. It sure isn’t helping my pain at all. I miss trileptal.

I’ve been wearing shorts because the unit still has the fricken heat on and it is warm outside. I wish I brought my lotion with me because my legs and feet are so flipping dry and flaky. Hate it. There is only one lotion I like and it is Gold Bond Ultimate healing lotion. It is not greasy and absorbs really fast. I have a texture thing when it comes to lotions and this one I really like even though it is expensive.

After my appt with my pcp Fri, I am getting my damn haircut! It is so fricken long for me. My side burns needs trimming. I do not like them hairy at all. I might just shave them off after my haircut. The shaver that I bought works really well. I just need to remember to clean it after I use it. Been bad about that. Going to take a PRN so I can maybe get a nap before dinner.

any thoughts?

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