Random thoughts 16.9.19

I’ve been in a mood since getting up. I’ve had to take trilafon last night and early this morning as the voices got really bad. I know my psych would flip if she knew I had 3 doses. She doesn’t like the older antipsychotics. I love and hate this drug. I like that it works. I don’t like it wiping out my thoughts as the voices are gone so I can no longer think right. I feel alone when the voices are gone and on edge.

Today was a nice day. Spent some time outside. I really thought about my plan and how it is. Kind of scary that after a year of planning shit all I needed was the thing I am allergic to to complete things. Granted asphyxiation is not really the way to go but my other options are limited. I am not 100% sure it would work. Chance of a rescue is possible. Or I can do it but only if I can talk. Haha. Cause my voice will be the first to go.

Spent most of my time writing in my journal today. Got like 7 pages in as I had woken up at 3 and started then. Nothing much happened just had the writing bug I guess.

Blood pressure was low this morning. An hour later it was normal so I don’t know what happened. Maybe the machine was off. I cancelled all my PT appts. I don’t think there is a point in seeing her again. My back is still going to be a time bomb. Nothing can change that. If anything I am afraid some movement will collapse the disc that is ready to implode. The thought of getting CES (cauda equina syndrome) again and going through recovery doesn’t appeal to me at all. It is a midlevel disc so who knows what may be affected this go round. Have a feeling it is what is causing the increased bladder issues. Might be what is increasing the CRPS pain but not totally sure on that.

Sox are off tonight. They had a 2 game weekend with Phillies. Next will be the Giants. Not that it matters anymore. They aren’t making it to the playoffs, at all. Too far out of the wild card even. Snakes look like they will win 100 games, bastards. Man, I hate them. Least we won’t have to face CC again. Will be sad if Tanaka goes. We can kick his ass still.

Still feeling really bad. Haven’t heard from my psych on her new home yet. Miss seeing her. Got an appt with my neuro next week. Not even sure it is worth it but it is the only way for me to get gaba. None of my other docs will prescribe it for god knows what reasons. So stupid. I could see if it was a scheduled controlled substance like my pain meds but it isn’t. So dumb. Some idiot on twitter was telling me I couldn’t get it anymore because it is addictive. Told him/her to stop with the bullshit and still kept on me about it. Was a CRPS tweeter so ignored the stupidity. Don’t care what they say, gaba is not addictive. Maybe causing dependence but it isn’t addictive. People don’t need higher and higher doses to get “high” off it. And I seriously would love to meet someone that does get high off it because obviously their cocktail of meds is the reason.

Might be posting a few Password protected posts soon. If anyone is interested email me at midnightdemons7 dot blog at gmail dot com or use the contact page and will send you the password.

any thoughts?

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