I honestly have no idea why my case manager is so interested in me being transgender. We talked about how I knew I was. I didn’t have fricken words for it until I was around 30, and even then I thought I was going to be told, nope you are female, not a male. I had a male BFF growing up. When I started developing, I was wondering why he wasn’t going through the same changed I was, like wtf, I thought we were the same. It was a complete nightmare esp when menses started and was told I was a “woman”. But I couldn’t go against my parents I would get beat up and ridiculed. Later when I only bought male clothes, my sister and mother wanted to know why. I felt comfortable in mens clothing. It felt natural for me to wear ties & stuff. I was outcasted at a wedding where I wore a tie to a family event for the 1st time My sisters and mother didn’t want to walk with me to the function hall. They stayed back. I didn’t care but it hurt none the less.
So part of my meltdown today was b/c she brought up this stuff and what it meant to be TG. She thinks I should be some kind of advocate or something to share my experience for others. I do that with my chronic pain and mental illness. I don’t feel comfortable doing it with my identity. Just don’t.
This is the thread I posted on Twitter yesterday. I wanted to write a blog then but just didn’t have the energy to. I was so pent up and exhausted after my meltdown. I think I finally grieved my psych about not being able to see her right now. I just miss her so much even though we’ve been in touch. I really want to talk to her but not sure she would want to as I am inpatient.
I woke up at 5 am after having a weird dream about being with Captain Kirk on the original series of Star Trek. First i was i don’t know buying towels at Target next i am on the bridge. The alpha blocker they have me on has been giving me weird dreams. It also makes me tired.
I woke up with gastritis for the fourth day in a row. Seeing as I am going to be here all weekend, I asked for some maalox and to see medical so they can increase the omeprazole to twice a day. I hate not being on my PPI. They don’t have it in their formulary and it pisses me off.
Speaking of pissed off, they wanted me to rescind my 3 day. They didn’t want me going home on the weekend because they feared me going back to the hosp. Fuckers. They are just fucking delaying the inevitable. I am just not fucking happy with this place. The CM misgendered me but quickly apologized and then approached me afterwards to further apologize. I am ok with them apologizing afterwards but it is when I correct them and they don’t hear me I get upset. And I don’t mean just listening to me. The nurse that is adamant I am a she still did so today. Blew me off when I said I was a he. She just seemed like she didn’t want to hear it.
Got a migraine so I am wearing my sunglasses until it goes away. I am so sensitive to light right now. It is helping to decrease it along with my baseball cap. It is weird. I have my Sox World Series 2013 long sleeve shirt and the 2018 cap on. I didn’t think to bring my 2018 long sleeve shirt. I should have brought a sweatshirt. Fricken cold here. Temps have dropped to 40s at night, which probably set off my migraine as it was in the 60s yesterday and temps right now is high 50s to low 60s. I can’t take temp changes of +/- 10 degrees. Just throws me off.
My middle sister (tyrant) texted me last night. She wanted to know if I had a channel on cable as she can’t access it on her phone. I have no idea if we have it as I hardly ever watch tv anymore. Might catch a game for a half hour to an hour but that is all.
Been writing in my journal. Think I am already up to six pages for today alone. Have a feeling the longer I stay here, I am going to fill it up. Just hope I don’t run out. That would so suck.