So I am up to 10 pages of journal writing. Figured I’d write a blog to save some paper but I know I will be writing some more later. I am really bored so I write. Wish I thought to bring a book with me. But then, I didn’t have time to put all the stuff I wanted to in my bag, like my slippers!
Got a roommate now so I am no longer private. He seems like a nice guy. He is a newbie. Never been involved in mental health services before. I am glad he got help before he did something.
CM never came around so I guess the morning meeting was it. Probably just as well as I was going to blow my stack with her. Fuck. So pissed I am going to be here another fucking weekend. Might not even see the doc tomorrow cuz why bother? I am here and there are no med changes. I just need a medical consult though for the omeprazole. So I guess I will see her for that.
Emailed my psych and she was wondering if some reconciliation could be done with my family. I told her last family meeting was a disaster and they (the therapist and team) wants me to change my reaction to them, which is why they want me to learn DBT skills. Some stuff I can do but in the moment, very hard to do. You can try and learn something while you are calm but when you are heated, it goes out the fucking window. Same when I have a pain flare and feel like ending it all. I just plan my escape because I can’t do much else to soothe the suicidal thoughts. I’ve done it for years now so not really sure I can change that. Besides, excruciating pain doesn’t leave you with feeling hopeful things are going to change. Yes, the next day might be better but the remnants of the night before are still there. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), those remnants have formed a full picture so there is no going back now. All the details have been worked out. I just need to follow through. I don’t really think a DBT skill is going to be ideal when pain is so damn fucking bad I can’t fucking think or breathe right or my pulse has dropped with anxiety going sky high with it. The pain consumes you and is so fucking hard to push away from it to even think of mindfulness or guided imagery. The pain isn’t going to pass until I have a sleep and even then there is a chance i could wake up in pain. Some nights I am I but the morning I will be in pain, usually because of pressure changes or drastic changes in temperature. Or it could just be raining to flare me up. Storms are another reason to flare. Those things I cannot control and trying to tame CRPS pain is next to impossible, especially as my pain meds are slowly becoming ineffective. I haven’t flared too much here because there are no stairs for me to go up and down all day. I walk around a bit but nothing like what I do outside of here. Half the time I don’t carry my phone because no one is going to call or text me. And if someone does, I will get it when I go back to my room.
I had texted the therapist and she wants me to stay to learn some stuff. This is like my 10th admission in the past 11 years. I’ve been through all the group shit they give, which is all DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) based. I just find some of the stuff bullshit. Like they list fantasizing as an addiction. WTF since when is that an addiction or what makes it an addiction? It doesn’t say. Dumb. Just dumb. I can see video games and internet/phone use but imagining things? Please. Sometimes you need to imagine how things would be if X wasn’t happening. Not saying all the time. I guess if it was all the time it might be considered an addiction. What the fuck do I know.
Sounds on the unit have been bothering me all day. Mostly because of the migraine but some of it have been other patients phones playing music because headphones aren’t allowed. Been here a week and just found out I can charge my bluetooth headphones. Shit. Thought because it was metal I couldn’t have it. It is going to take 4 hours to charge so I should have it later tonight around bedtime (if I am still up).
Ankle is starting to hurt. Got an hour before I can take my night meds. I swear the 12 hr extended reease doesn’t last 12 fucking hours. It is more like 8 or 9.
Found out why my battery has been draining. I am not getting much signal here. Maybe 1 or 2 bars, if that. No wonder I need to charge my phone twice a day.
One thought on “Writing bug today”
sorry you were in hospital, they seem so strict there, over here in a psych ward we’re allowed headphones, they’re only taken from us if we’re a suicide risk. I hope your feeling better now. xo