Saturday Blog 21.9.19

Had a boring day. I’ve written in my journal and kind of looked over the DBT binder thing. Some of the stuff makes sense and others are complete bullshit.

My mother called and left a message saying she was getting “really mad.” I called her to find out why she was mad and the first thing she says (mind you she knows I am in the hosp) “where are you?” Seriously? It went downhill from there. I got so fucking aggravated. She asked when I was coming home and I was getting heated. Then she asked how was I feeling. I said aggravated (meaning talking and having to defend myself to her) and she passes it off with an oh. Fucking A. I don’t know why I fucking bother. Really, I don’t.

Last night I was having dystonic shit happen with my foot and resolved to just end things when I am out of here. There is no point in going on when I have this new symptom and absolutely no fucking way to treat it. Luckily the melatonin they have here is better than the stuff I have, though I still didn’t get to sleep till around midnight. Pain was driving me fucking crazy. I think 2 hours after I took my meds I took some more. Yesterday I just felt I was popping pills, not even knowing what i was taking. I was in such a damn fog. But then i had woken up at 0400 and was just going. I woke up around 5 this morning. Thankfully no gastritis pains. I’ve just had it with pain. I can’t deal anymore.

I am about two thirds through my journal, which was new when I came in here. If I stay by some stupid reason Monday, it will probably be done by the end of the week. I am not sure what will happen Monday. Psychiatrist said she would discharge me and the CM said it wouldn’t happen so I don’t know who to believe. I am still annoyed I didn’t go home yesterday. Don’t see how my family is going to change over the weekend. Fuck. They keep you in here for stupid reasons. Sad part (or good?) is they don’t know anything about my plans to end it when I leave here. May not be as soon as I’d like but it will happen a few days after me being discharged whenever that maybe. I am tired of fighting a battle I am just not going to win. There is no stalemate. It is a permanent checkmate. Game over.

any thoughts?

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