Covering all our dreams with rust
I hear this lyric in a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter called “On and on it goes”. I have been in pain since I came home around 1 pm. I didn’t want to leave my bed but I forced myself to. I wanted to keep at least one of the two appointments I had today. I missed uro because I just couldn’t get up. The depression is getting worse. I can’t do early morning appointments anymore. I just can’t wake up for them because I am not a morning person. It takes a great effort to be up by 0900. That is if I sleep. I did sleep. I just didn’t want to get up because I had the why bothers.
I have been in a rotten mood all day. I don’t know why as baseball Spring training started today. But my mind hasn’t been on baseball. I’ve been in so much pain and the depression is taking more and more joy from my life. Psychopharm NP wants me to think about ECT. I would but it would probably mean another hospitalization and I couldn’t go for that. I am serious about dying this time around.
I posted on twitter that I needed to lose 20 lbs for top surgery. My pcp thinks it will motivate me to lose weight. All it did was motivate me to die. I feel really stuck right now as I have hairy breasts and no means to get rid of them any time soon until I lose the weight. I might lose some weight while I am recovering from back surgery. I just got to be careful not to gain it back.
I am supposed to see my therapist tomorrow. I really don’t want to leave the house. My legs are killing me and the thought of walking all around the hospital campus to get to the building she is in, makes me so tired. Wish they still had the loop shuttle but they don’t anymore. The shuttle traveled to the various buildings around campus. I used it when it first started but that was more than 10 years ago. I haven’t seen it since my back surgery in 2006. It was a nice service to have.
My left calf, ankle, and foot are beyond painful right now. I have been trying not to move too much but soon as I settle down, bladder needs to be emptied. Driving me nuts. Yesterday I went to the ED because I thought I had Cauda Equina Syndrome again. I lost control of my bowels and it freaked me out. The NP for my neurosurgeon said it just provided more evidence that I have tethered cord. Surgery is in 5 weeks from now. Guess I will have to be in a diaper until then so I don’t shit my underwear. I feel so awful. Then when everything came back normal, I felt even worse. I feel like I am wasting everyone’s time. I asked my psych if I made the right choice and she said absolutely. I felt slightly better. She would have told me flat out if it was the wrong choice. I just wish I didn’t live in fear so much with my body malfunctioning. It is so hard to know what is and isn’t wrong. Hate going to the ED but they are the ones that will know if something is really wrong or not. Rather have them say so than me worry over it, losing sleep and such. The exhaustion I am feeling now is because I’ve had so many appts the past few weeks. I had 4 last week and 4 this week. Been walking so much my right foot/ankle is acting up again. I really need to do the exercises again. Just hope it isn’t so weak that I have to start all over again. Been 7 months since I stopped physical therapy. I haven’t kept up with the home program. I haven’t even used the brace. Might tomorrow as it is supposed to rain. Weather has been awful with the barometric pressures increasing and decreasing.
I told my therapist I would make every effort to see her tomorrow but I am in a lot of pain. I wish I could have a ride there. Speaking of rides, I got to call tomorrow to set up an appt with them. It would be one less thing off my mind if I have The Ride in place so I can use them to go home on days I am really tired or have a lot of appts. I imagine I might need it after my surgery because I am sure my blood counts will be low and I will be anemic.
I will try and write another blog tomorrow after therapy or to say I didn’t go. I want to try and write at least every other day or 5 days a week. It has been hard because the depression just wipes me out and I feel so terrible I can’t get my thoughts coherent enough to write. I hate it.