Back making it impossible to sleep

I am having a hard time. Not emotionally, per se, but physically. My vision is still messed up and I got headaches which means I got to call my neurosurgeon tomorrow morning to get some treatment. I am scared as he said i would need surgery. I was hoping the steroids would be all that I needed but I guess that isn’t enough. To make matters worse, my back hasn’t let up in pain or cramps so I am having a hard time trying to sleep on top of the headache and worry.

The sad part is only my youngest sister knows what is going on with me. I told her my wishes should things become serious, like if I needed to be intubated or something. That is how scared I am, thinking of the worst possible scenario. The other sad part is I know I won’t be able to have visitors if I need surgery again. That really sucks. I hated not having anyone see me while I was recovering from surgery. It would have been good to see a friend or two. But because of Covid, visitors weren’t allowed, not even employees of the hosp.

I just watched a program to try and get my mind ready for sleep but as usual, it woke me up rather than make me sleepy. This is why I don’t watch too much TV because it riles me up and keeps me awake, especially if it is a good program. I was watching the law drama “All Rise.” It is a good show and I like it a lot. I think it is just one season and I am half way through it right now. I am tempted to watch another episode but it is already 0130 and I don’t want to be up later than 0200. My body tends to fight sleep after that hour and it is a struggle to wind down. Course if I wasn’t in pain, I probably would be sleeping by now.

Thing with my back is I am not sure how much of it has to do with the operation and how much is due to surgical complications. I know I don’t have adequate pain relief. I really need to talk to my pcp but I am just scared he is going to say no. I maybe a writer but it takes me hours to find the right words to even ask him. I just am not good at asking what I need. I rather just let it go, even if that means I have to suffer with pain. It just doesn’t come easy with me.

any thoughts?

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