pain and being so fucking tired

Pain and being so fucking tired

Past few days I have been totally wiped out. I don’t know why but all I want to do is sleep. My pain has been up and down. Today has been the first day in a week that I don’t have a headache. It’s another cool but humid day. I went to the post office to mail my book for a friend. He wanted a signed copy and I was happy to oblige. I then went to the hospital to give another urine sample. Uro wants to make sure I don’t have an infection that is causing my urethral pain. I am glad that I had the appointment with the NP because I needed more catheters. The specimen I did today had to be a cathed specimen.

While I was out, I put some more money on my T pass. I haven’t been buying the monthly passes because I mostly have been going out once a week for PT and for that I usually take the bus. Most of the time when I am out I am taking buses more than the train. It isn’t worth buying a monthly pass because I am just not using the T that often.

Before I left the hospital, I ordered some pad Thai from my favorite Thai restaurant that is near the hosp. It is still the best pad Thai in Boston. I ate it on my porch when I came home. It was nice eating outside for once.

I have been so tired. I was supposed to have a zoom call with my cousins and I slept through it. One of my cousins got worried because it wasn’t like me to miss a zoom call I set up! It woke me up and my sister was worried. I just had my phone off so didn’t hear anything and just slept through the afternoon after my therapy session.

Therapy went ok. We talked about my suicidality. She said that I need to make joy in my life. That is something I never thought of before. I made a slideshow of all the kitten and puppy pics but stopped at 30 because it was getting so big. I have a lot of pictures that I have “stolen” from Twitter and facebook. I also put in pics of giraffes that I have because I love giraffes. They are the most graceful animals I think. I was very sad when I found out April had to be euthanized because of arthritis. Poor girl was in a lot of pain and she was old in giraffe age of like 27 or 28. I forget but it was a long time for a giraffe.

My therapist said that she can’t do anything about my suicidality and I swear I just wanted to die right there. Like WTF are you serious? I feel more hopeless when she says this. I told her I had a plan and was going to go through with it. Now I can’t help but wonder if I will actually end up going through with it or not. I just feel like no one can help me with this. I don’t know why I am bothering with therapy. I am feeling really frustrated over this.

any thoughts?

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