Frustrated with therapy
I have been up since 0100 and have been researching things to say in therapy today. I have been up all night. I tried a few times to go to sleep but I was too wired. So far today I have had three cups of coffee and a cup of tea. I should drink some water soon. But all the research I brought to therapy today was not readily welcomed. She doesn’t have time to read a book about CBT brief therapy no matter how short it is. Which leaves me to just research, aka reading the suicide books to learn more about suicide to help myself. This is the work that I need to do outside of therapy.
I realized today she didn’t validate anything that I said to her about how I was feeling or what my thoughts were. I dumped all the stuff toward the end of session and because of that I have another session this week to discuss things further. I told her I wasn’t eating and she said my cognitions are going to be affected. Maybe but I got to lose this weight and I am so close to my goal. I did breakdown and order McDs last night because I was so hungry. I felt I had to. It was so good. I was hoping it would cause me to sleep and it did for a couple of hours until I woke up needing to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep, at all. I was hyped up about the book I was reading and nervous about therapy. I did some research about RCT (random controlled trials) and CAMS/DBT/CBT. I found a couple of articles, one I bought because I really wanted it. So I was set with being prepared to answer her questions should they come up about what to do with my suicidality.
However, she doesn’t know what to do with my suicidality. She doesn’t have time to read the book. We agreed that therapy would be a narrative but that is as far as we got. When I told her what I have been thinking the past few weeks and that I wasn’t eating, time was out before she could say what she wanted to say so we are meeting again this week. She didn’t validate anything I said. I think she could see where the cognitive distortions were. We briefly went over a half assed safety plan.
So now we have another day this week to go over what I said and to deal with it. I am tired and going to go back to sleep. I just took my night meds with water because I forgot to put a bottle of Gatorade on my night stand.