Saturday Blog 05032022
My mother made blueberry muffins so my room smells fruity. I slept for more than 20 hours and I still feel tired. My sore arm has been bothering me all day. It woke me up briefly during the night so I just moved it. I didn’t want to get up. I had drank a lot of water and had a coffee before sleeping. By 1am I had to go pee. It was the only time I got up. I also took my meds as I didn’t take them. I woke up today and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. My mother stepped into the bathroom and it was all I needed to have an accident. I pooped my pants. I didn’t even feel it as I just saw the mess when I took my pants down. I was not happy. I need to take a shower but I am in too much pain with my arm.
I have to brush my teeth today. It has been three days since I last did so. I lost my streak. I have just been so depressed. I had sent a message to my psychiatrist that my depression is worse. I also told him about my weight loss struggles. He said that he would do some med change at next appointment. I see him in a few weeks, the same week I see my TG doc. Ironically, I see him on my father’s birthday. March is a very heavy anniversary month. I first attempted suicide 31 years ago today. Monday will be the first time I entered therapy where I lied my ass off saying I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t want to be in “trouble”. They dismissed me and didn’t offer any other therapy. I didn’t want therapy but the school nurse convinced me to see the school counselor.
I wanted to make turkey bacon for dinner but I don’t feel like cooking so I just spent my last twenty bucks on McD’s. I have had a shitty day so I need comfort food. Arm is still sore so with my 4PM meds I took a pain med. I don’t know why my bicep hurts. I see PT on Tues.
While I was reading Cry of Pain the other day, I came across a term called “brief affective reaction” which got me thinking about “acute suicidal affective disturbance”. It is something I texted my therapist about and will talk to her about on Mon when I see her. I don’t think she has heard of it before and I wish I could send her the PDF but I can’t. I can only send pics through the patient web thing. I found the PDF that highlights the disturbance. I will share the screen when I talk to her on Zoom on Mon. I have added the picture here if you want to look at what constitutes as criteria. It isn’t a good pic as I took the pic of my laptop screen. I tried to screenshot the page but I don’t know how to do it.
My sleepy hour has approached. I am so tired. I think the uro meds causes some of the drowsiness I feel but I can’t say for sure. I hope I can sleep tonight without pain. I will take a BT med before I lay down. Sometimes that helps to ease the pain a little bit so I can get to sleep.