fucking a, lost my writing streak

Fucking A, I lost my streak

I had a streak going of writing consecutive days and I lost it because I was so tired I slept through. I must have slept from 4pm till around 2 when I woke up to pee. My Sox won over the white sox 16-3. It was a good game and wish I heard it. Last I checked on them it was 10-2. They are really doing well. I hope it continues. I just needed 14 days to reach 100 days of consecutive writing and I blew it. I am so mad at myself I didn’t even post a pic in time.

I went to the chronic pain group yesterday. It went ok. I talked about my anger and I wasn’t the only one my company forced out on disability. It’s just hard because every day I showed up depressed and suicidal as I was to give 110% to a job that didn’t give a shit about me and just cared that I made no errors when logging in a patient’s sample.

I found out today that my uncle, my mother’s brother, is not doing too good. He has been in the ICU for about a week now and I guess he isn’t getting better despite treatment. They are having a family meeting tomorrow to discuss what to do for him. I don’t know exactly what is going on as all I have been hearing is that he is filled with fluid and his breathing is not good. I don’t know if there is anything else going on. My aunt has been hysterical but then it isn’t surprising as she is always like that. I don’t know if having her as his representative is a good idea as she can’t keep herself together. I don’t know if my mother knows what is really happening or not. All depends on what she hears or thinks she hears when we talk about him. She hasn’t been emotional so I am guessing she hasn’t been listening. But then she isn’t really the type to be emotional like my aunt.

Part of the reason I had to sleep was that I didn’t get much sleep during the night. I was up every hour since 130a. The my sister triggered me right before group started and I was just a mess. I had to ask my therapist for another session as the hypervigilance is out of control. I just can’t relax unless I take something to calm down or just be plain exhausted by it. I was talking to my friends but they were all on different apps and I was getting overwhelmed switching between them. I wish I had just one app that I can talk to people on rather than this and that one. Just a pain.

My shoulder has been bothering me all damn week. I think it knows I am seeing the surgeon so is just getting flared up. Weather changes haven’t helped at all. It went from 94 degrees to 52 the next day. I am surprised my spine isn’t aching. My foot has been bothering me non-stop for the past three days. It just has been on fire. I take the gabapentin for it and it settles down but the gaba doesn’t last in your system that long and you need to take it again to get relief. I am supposed to take it three times a day. I think taking my afternoon dose is what caused me to fall asleep this afternoon after I had dinner. Then when I took my night meds I got nauseous. I really thought I was going to lose what I ate. But Zofran was to the rescue and the contents of my stomach, stayed in my stomach.

As It is Wed and T shot day, I took my shot. Unfortunately, I hit a vein and caused some bleeding. It hurt so I knew I did something. This week, the shot was in my left thigh and that is always a worry for nerve pain to flare up. So far, I am feeling ok but I will know more when I walk around some. I need to go to the pharmacy to get some more meds. I meant to refill it on Sunday but I forgot.

I got paid this week and I bought my AC. It will be coming next week. I hope there are no problems with it. I just care if it works or not and then to make sure I take it out of the window before the bad weather comes. I plan on having it taken out Nov 1^st. That is the goal anyway. Because I bought my AC, I won’t be able to pay all my bills this month. I am picking and choosing which ones to pay. The ones with the low minimum payments will be first and then whatever is leftover will go toward the higher ones, if I can afford it. I hate this but there is nothing I can do. I need an AC because I am heat intolerant. I thought I was going to pass out on Sunday due to the heat and my room being nearly 85 degrees. My ceiling fan was just blowing hot air around. Now instead of wearing shorts and a tank top, I am wearing a long sleeve shirt and flannel pajamas. It is cold. My room is a nice 68 degrees.

I just took 1200 mg of gabapentin to try and ease the unrest in my foot and ankle. It is burning me so much. I hope the bones don’t start hurting. Maybe the gaba will help my shoulder a little bit. Who knows. The thing with my shoulder pain is that it is all muscle and not really cartilage or tendons (least I don’t think it is tendons). I am hoping for some more PT where I can get some more movement in my shoulder and possibly be able to move my arm behind my back in an upward motion like I was able to do before the injury. And picking up my water bottle would be a good goal for me. I can lift it but I can’t seem to drink out of it. The motion is too painful. I just want full use of my arm back because it is going to be important when I get my top surgery.

I have a day of doing nothing today so I think I am going to read my book on Building a therapeutic Alliance. It’s a good book. I thought the painters were finished but I guess they aren’t. they were supposed to come Mon, and didn’t. then they were supposed to come Tues, but they didn’t. if they come today, I just hope I am not stuck in my room because I will need bathroom access. I can go without food.