in a bitchy mood

In a bitchy mood

I was too sleepy to get up this morning for my neuro appointment. I literally have been in bed all day. I am wicked pissed my sister left the kitchen sink with her mess. I found my door closed so I moved my niece’s thing to block her door.

I had therapy yesterday after I had enough of the bad dreams I have been having the past few weeks. They are getting worse and my sleep is getting so disrupted. I had to talk to her about it and I had no one else to really turn to. I told her what has been happening and she thinks I got to talk about my feelings more as they are coming out in my dreams. I told her about the dream where I dreamt I attempted and was in the emergency room. Things were happening all around me but I was just watching them. I asked if we could just talk about this for a few sessions and she was okay with that.

I feel super depressed and tired. Last night I went to bed early, and by early, I mean like 5pm. I just couldn’t deal. I was so tired because I didn’t get much sleep, again. I am stressed out over my finances. I am behind in my payments with my credit cards and I don’t know when I will be ok with it. I feel like I am drowning and no one is noticing. I feel like I would be better off dead.

I am waiting for my catheter supply company to tell me that they have approved the attachment I sent them a few days ago. I still haven’t heard back. Cathing every 2 hours sucks really bad. I got to always be aware of the time. Doesn’t even matter how much I drink anymore as I just cath every two hours. I am trying to cut out drinking at night but it is difficult. For some reason the air in my room gets dry and my throat gets dry so I need something to drink. I try not to gulp it down but it is hard.

I have been thinking of writing more in my memoir about being trans. I want to write about the difficulty of having top surgery and the obstacles that you face. I think it is important for other FTMs and their allys to know about.