another insomnia night

Another insomnia night

I woke up around 2 to pee and that was it. I was up for the night. It is not around 0530 and I am having coffee and just had breakfast of oatmeal. It was good. Bitch sister did something with the pyrex cup that I use to measure the water for the oatmeal. God only knows what she did with it.

We got into another argument last night. I was sick of her closing my door so I moved my niece’s furniture to block her door. She called me an immature asshole. Then she barged into my room yelling at me to clean my room. My mother was wondering what was going on so she said that “her daughter needs to clean her room”. I fucking lost it at that point. I exchanged a few more fuck you’s and then the argument was over for now. I am mad as fucking hell. I would love to pound her face in with my fists.

I thought about getting my haircut but I kind of like having my hair long. I think I am going to wait another three months and decide what to do. I will save my cash for this. I still am behind on so many of my bills. I am such an idiot for getting so many cards.

I wish I could take an Amtrak train and just ride somewhere else and stay there forever. But rents are so damn expensive, unless you are in the middle of nowhere. Right now, the middle of nowhere sounds pretty nice. I just wish I had a car, but with the price of gas, I might not get too far.

A few things that bother me since my sister (the bitch) moved in. I love my office so my nephew could sleep there. All my things are now in the basement. One of the bookcases I had, is now a shoe holder for my sister in the front hallway. My bookcase that was in my hallway where my bedroom was is now my nephew’s. The books are in a clear container that I bought to put my clothes in. The clothes are now in my closet. Where my bookcase was, now my niece has her things there. The only place I am allow to put my fucking things are my room. They cannot be outside my room for any reason. I had a hamper of my books and notebooks in the hall while waiting for my brother in law to put in the AC. My sister (bitch) threatened to put it in the basement if I didn’t move it back to my room. It was neatly packed, not messy. But the bitch thinks she owns the fucking house so has to have her things every where, and I mean everyfucking where. She has now place things on the way on the front stairway. Has put things on the shelf on the stairs. And the god fucking sucking stupid air fresheners are in the outlets. And people wonder why I am in my room all the time. I feel I am not allow any where else because I can’t have my things there so why bother. But it is ok for my niece and sister (bitch) to have their paint shit on the kitchen table all the fucking time. It is okay for bitch’s kids to leave their pots and pans and dishes in the sink. It ok for the bitch to do so as well. But if I did that, I would be yelled at till the cows came home. I am so sick of it. Then my mother bitches because she does clean the sink every morning and night. It isn’t fair when there are three abled adults here.

So I get treated like a child and stay in my room to avoid the volatile bitch. I feel like going out but I just had lunch and my mother’s sugar is low. I am the only one in the house so I can’t fucking leave. She just had lunch and sugar and water so hopefully it will come up soon. I am so fucking mad at the bitch as she closed my door again. I thought the fight last night had settled things. Guess not. I did the same thing as I did last night, moved my niece’s furniture to block her door. She called me an “immature asshole”. I don’t give a fuck. She is the one that is immature and selfish. The whole time she was downstairs I was on edge. She sets off my PTSD whenever she is around. I fucking hate her.

Three weeks before I see the surgeon for top surgery consult. I am nervous as fuck. I am worried with the state of affairs in the US, the GOP might pull health care for transpeople. I will be so screwed. I am also worried that he will say something about my weight and then I will zone out not listen to the rest of the conversation. I ordered some protein shakes but you got to mix it with something. I don’t have any almond milk. I wanted to go out and get it but I can’t until my mother’s sugar stabilizes.

any thoughts?

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