tough night falling asleep

Tough night falling asleep

I just wrote a couple of pages in my journal and felt the need to blog. I didn’t feel like writing my feelings in there even though it is more private. My sister (bitch) hasn’t answered the text I sent her on whether she mentalizes or she just thinks about herself. I know the answer to the question.

One of the therapists that I talk to on Twitter (not professionally in anyway), is going to try and help me understand CBT and Beck’s suicide mode. It came up in BATA (building a therapeutic alliance) where I just swore the language became Greek as I was trying to understand what they were saying. It didn’t help that they didn’t define suicide mode to begin with. It was like it was implied. I fucking hate that. Nearly every CBT book that I have read IMPLIES something like you are supposed to know this. Pisses me off. I hope she can help me because I think this is where I am “stuck” in therapy with my therapist.

It is almost my peeing hour. It has been a few hours since I last emptied my bladder. I should empty it because I don’t feel anything and that is never a good thing. I swear part of the reason I can’t sleep is because I don’t want my bladder to be overfull during the night and so I wake up to empty it several times to ease the anxiety despite it causing me sleep disruptions and weird dreams. I’ve also been alternating between water and Gatorade so my bladder is probably close to full by now…

I have therapy tomorrow. I have tried to write out my feelings and have failed. I have mostly slept throughout the day most of the time. I also have been writing blogs and reading about suicide prevention treatments. The seminar that I went to last week was really good. I learned a lot. There is a new article that Dr. Pompili wrote that I really want. I am trying to see if the library can send it to me for free but I haven’t heard back. I think I am going to have to call, which sucks. I hate making phone calls. I had put in a request online but I haven’t heard back and both time I submitted it gave me an email error. Ugh. This isn’t going to be easy. I am ready to just say fuck it and pay the $40 for it. I am dying to know what measures they used for mental pain.

I wrote this at 6/26 240ish in the morning. It is the last thing that I can clearly remember from yesterday. I got the article. Haven’t read it yet (least I don’t think so). They used OMMP which is from the Israel psychologist or psychiatrist Orbach and Mikulincer Mental pain scale. I have read about this scale since it came out back in 2003. They also used a physical and psychological pain scale that I am not familiar with so I don’t have information about it. It is exciting to see the OMMP scale being used. Maybe now there can be some validity and widespread use (crosses fingers).

I had two cups of coffee today and I still feel tired. I had therapy today. We talked more about how our definition of validation is different. I am glad she acknowledged that. She said she cannot accept my suicidal plans or death wishes but can understand where they are coming from. That is a win as far as I am concerned. I am going to look up the validation in the BATA book because it defines it so eloquently.

I have no idea what I did with my laptop yesterday or last night. I know I was watching a video and I didn’t turn it off before closing the lid as it was still playing despite the lid being shut. When I went to turn on the laptop before therapy, it wouldn’t start. I had to press the power button several times before it started itself. I also remember waking up to pee around 2230/2240. After I pee, I went to take my meds as I hadn’t done so yet. My med boxes were empty so I didn’t fill them. I don’t know why I didn’t do this so I did so nearly half asleep. The only meds I am out of is my vitamin D which hasn’t come in yet. I just placed the order when I got paid last week.

I hope whatever my bitch sister is doing in the kitchen is done by the time my food arrives. I don’t want to listen to her stupid music.