in a crappy mood

In a crappy mood

I’ve had shit for sleep. I woke up around 2, decided to empty my bladder as it has been more than a few hours since I last did it and then I was up till around 0630. I got about an hour or two of sleep, which was a bad fucking dream. I got up. I had coffee and some oatmeal. Then I had wheat chex with almond milk which I won’t do again as it was too sweet.

My ankle pain started at 0330 and it still fucking hurts, 12+ hours later. I took some BT meds like every 4-6 hours or when I remember to take them. It has been really hard. I was supposed to go to the pharmacy to get my meds and I don’t want to risk walking up the street to annoy it. I’ll try tomorrow. I am just in a crappy mood. At one point I was really suicidal and wanted to act on my feelings. I texted my therapist who reassured me she would hospitalize me if I did. That scares me more than attempting. I keep bargaining with myself about it, saying it is too soon to act. I will act after I had my surgery. Maybe I will change my mind once I recover and see what my new body looks like. But then pain hits me, like it did today and I want to say fuck it, end it now. It’s such a struggle.

I went to the chronic pain group and they were talking about teeth extractions. What the actual fuck. Not why I joined the group. I stayed though I really wanted to leave. I was on my phone because I didn’t feel like opening the laptop. I was in such a damn mood. My foot was flaring and I was just in a lot of pain. I didn’t feel like talking. I kept my answers short and to the point.

I read some more of BATA today, trying to get through this chapter on cognitive therapy. I really have to be conscious while reading or I will lose what they are saying. There are some difficult concepts. I then got distracted by a citation of the book Treating Suicidal Behavior. It listed the first and second edition of the book. I checked my Amazon orders to see if I bought the book and I did. I have no idea where the fuck the book is right now so I bought a used copy that I hope is the first edition because I went on a bookstore website to get the second edition. There is a four year difference between editions and this was just about the time that CAMS was coming out so not sure it will be in the book.

I am really tired and in a lot of pain. Today is my nephew’s birthday. My bitch sister didn’t invite me to the party. Oh well. I am in too much pain to attend anyways. Think I am going to take my night meds early and then call it a fucking day. I don’t have anything planned tomorrow except going to the pharmacy. I also need to read the article my psychiatrist sent me about ketamine. My insurance will cover it so we are looking into it. If it doesn’t help my pain, I am screwed and I will continue to plan the end of my life for next year.

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