I struck out

I struck out

I got a couple of messages about my pain meds this morning but because I had the do not disturb on, I didn’t get them until I got up around 11. My pharmacy called saying they were going to ask my doc for another drug to replace my pain meds. That ain’t happening. Then I get a message from the RN in my pcp’s office and she said she was going to put through the pain meds without dates to see if insurance will cover it. I called my insurance and the prior auth was denied but it is in appeal, but unless it was put through urgently (3 days), it can take up to 30 days for a decision. All this means is that without a plan from my doc, I will be out of meds this weekend. I am so depressed about this and not looking forward to withdrawal. I haven’t heard back from the nurse to see what the plan is. I am wicked anxious about it.

I ordered groceries yesterday and they were to come between 12:15 and 12:45. They didn’t come till around 1330. It wasn’t a big order but I ordered water which is heavy. I left it downstairs as I couldn’t carry it up the stairs. I forgot I ordered turkey breast and I was so damn happy because I have been craving a turkey sandwich. I made one after I put the groceries away.

I was going to go out today but I am feeling tired. My good feelings about the surgery carried me to almost 0300 so I couldn’t sleep. I wrote in my journal to calm down. I slept until my bladder woke me up to pee.

My pcp’s RN got back to me. Bad news. The insurance company is not seeing this as a medical necessity so didn’t approve the appeal. But they did allow four months. I don’t completely understand it but I know I won’t go into withdrawal this weekend as I will have my meds. I am trying not to spiral into a suicidal depression. I can’t help thinking what good is top surgery if I have to live my life in pain anyways.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist as I am upset right now. I told him what went on with the pain meds. He already knows that I had planned to end my life the end of June next year. I was really hoping to avoid it because things were going ok. I thought the increase in pain meds will help me and then I won’t be suffering the way I have been the last few months.

My ankle has been killing me the last few hours. I finally took something after I ate dinner. My mother made porkchops and boiled potato. I ate it plain. I didn’t even put salt on it. I love plain potatoes. When my mother used to buy the Market Basket fries, that would be what I would eat for lunch. Just fries. They were really good.

Not sure what I will be doing tonight. Sox are playing the skankees and these games always stress me out so I have been just checking the scores, usually when I know the game is over otherwise I am tempted to turn the game on. I still have the Suicidal Workbook to finish reading. Might be good to read as I am in that mindset. Might help me get out of it.