tiring day of appointments

Tiring day of appointments

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicidality. She validated that she cares about me and that felt so good. I really thought she didn’t care whether I lived or died. I told her that there is no guarantee I would tell her I would attempt. She understood that. I also told her things sort of changed when I found out I was going to have top surgery. That I saw myself being shirtless during the summer. But then I found the bottle of pills to end my life and I’ve been in a suicidal state since then due to pain.

After my appointment, I got dressed and waited for the cab to take me to my pcp appointment. I finally met the nurse that I have been emailing all the time. It was nice to put a name with a face. I had written down what had happened to me and gave it to my pcp. She said she had shoulder surgery two weeks ago so she needed the help of another doctor to examine me. I had diminished feeling on my clit and other parts of my inner labia. The outer parts I had feeling. She thinks the intense orgasm I had flared up some pelvic floor muscles. I am to have no sexual activity for a week and take ibuprofen three times a day for a week. I see her next Thurs so we will discuss how I am then. If no improvement then I will have to have a scan done.

I didn’t take a cab back home though I should have but I forgot to take a voucher with me. I walked to the station and it was painful with my back cramping up on me. I had to stop every so often so it took longer for me to reach the station. I had to stand on the train halfway to my stop because the train was crowded. It was also hot as there was no air circulation. A passenger kept taking his shirt off to cool himself down. I reported the car and the passenger as he didn’t look well.

I have been dying for an ice cream sandwich. I went to the store across the street from the station but they didn’t have any. I was bummed. I thought about getting another ice cream but my hands were dirty from holding on to the bar and I didn’t want to chance getting covid. The bus finally came and it was very air conditioned. It was nice. I didn’t want to get off when my stop came but I did. It took me forever to get home as I was tired and again my back kept cramping up. I had to stop a few times and then I sat on a bench for a few minutes. I had to go pee because I drank a lot of water. I had brought my water bottle with me.

My mother made mushrooms for supper. I don’t like mushrooms. I ended up ordering a pizza. It was good. My sister came home today from her trip to Bermuda. I missed her so much. She gave me a long sleeve t-shirt from Bar Harbor Maine. I love it. It was a large but it looked like an XL. I am glad she is home.

I am super tired. I had to take some Miralax because I have been really constipated the last week. I really have gone much even though I had a movement yesterday. Just little pieces. I feel like I have a belt around my waist so I know I am backed up. I had gone to the bathroom to cath and my back cramped up on me really bad. It is so sore right now. I took some pain meds so I hope it eases up.

While doing something on my phone, it had suggested a sleep time for me that sets an alarm for bed time and an alarm for waking up. I set it for 2200 for bedtime and 0800 for waking. I am usually in bed before that time anyway but I am up around 8 to take my morning meds. I am wicked tired from the walking I did and the stress of the appointments I went to. No sex for a week is going to be hard but not impossible. The doctor that helped my pcp is taking some of my pcp’s patients so I put in a request to have her as my pcp when my current pcp leaves. She is only going to be here for another month and then she is leaving Boston. I am going to miss her. This will be my fourth pcp in five years. Such a shame they can’t keep doctors. Only one I left because he was an asshole. I hope I am not making a mistake having this doctor as my pcp, though she has been signing off on my pain meds the last few months so might as well see her.