Saturday News 06082022
I had my MRI done last night and got the results this afternoon which sent me into a suicidal spiral. Results weren’t good. My degenerative spine is getting worse than it did 11 months ago. I don’t know if I need to see my neurosurgeon. I hope not because that might mean surgery and I can’t face another spine surgery. The cause of my clit going numb is unclear. I have no nerve compression anywhere. The good news is that one of my CSF leaks is gone and the one remaining is getting smaller.
I texted my therapist and she said what does my safety plan say to do. I said I would read some and overdose on some gaba. She didn’t like that and asked what does my prescription say. I told her and she said to take that. I doubled the dose anyway. I still have another 1200 mg to take at bedtime. She doesn’t know this.
I feel really depressed and suicidal. I want to die. I also don’t want to be evaluated for MS. Truth be told I should have had an MRI of the sacrum. Those are the nerves that control the clit. I don’t know if you could see the nerves as it all bone but still, it is worth a try. Since I read the report, my lower back has been hurting me. I can take another pain med in an hour.
I texted my cousin and she kept on asking me stupid questions which annoyed the fuck out of me. I don’t know what can be done to stop the degeneration. I also have arthritis in my spine as well. Probably why my back is hurting. All of this doesn’t explain why my clit is numb. I won’t get evaluated for MS as I don’t have MS. I think I would have other symptoms if I did.
There was a Twitter post about bottom growth on testosterone that most FTMs didn’t know about. That the clitoris grows a few inches. I don’t think mine has grown because I am not on a high enough dose of T. But my clit is also nerve damaged. I don’t think I am going to get the feeling back and I am very troubled by this.
I read the trauma book for a couple of chapters. I read like a chapter and a half when I got the MRI results. Then I couldn’t go back to reading it. The author talked about having a safe place to be in when in recovery and working on trauma. I don’t know how I am supposed to work on it given that I don’t live in a trauma free space. Also made sure that the person was safe from themselves. Right now I am not.
Been having some fantasies of meeting my new PCP and telling her that I have a year to live, that in June of next year, I plan on ending it. After learning the results of my MRI today, there is no doubt that the plan is on, again. I might delay it in July so that there is at least a couple months where I can be shirtless due to the weather. But this was just a fantasy. I will not let my pcp know I plan on ending my life. I fear things will be disastrous if she knows how suicidal I am. Or she might just refer me to psych and that will be that. It wouldn’t be the first time that a pcp ignored me when I told them I was suicidal because of my pain. They would just ask if I was keeping my appointments with my psychiatrist. Then move on. Suicide prevention at work, not.
I keep wondering if I would be able to do this at home. I don’t have a credit card to go to a hotel. I am trying to work things out so that no one finds me until I am dead. I hate that to happen but I don’t have a choice. I am kind of hoping that I will be euphoric when I have my top surgery so I don’t end up dying. I am ambivalent, that is for sure.