Sunday blog 05022023

I am feeling very discouraged. I brought up the misgendering of my mother because it happened again today in a group chat. We were talking about radical acceptance. In a way I have accepted that I will never be called her son but the misgendering still bothers me. I can’t stand to be around her because I know she will call me a her or she. She doesn’t even try to correct herself anymore. I am just done with it.

I ordered Chinese food because I wanted Kung Pao chicken. I went for a walk with my sister today around the block and it made my heart rate go into the 130s. Now I am having chest pain. The pain is behind my breast tissue so I cannot even massage it to make it feel better. I will be so fucking joyful when these suckers are off me. 50 days until it happens. I feel like I will be a man again once these things are off my chest.

I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up to pee and then started sneezing. It woke me up. I read a bit, journaled, wrote in my book a page and a half. I didn’t go back to sleep until 5am. Then I got up at 11. I needed coffee bad. My aunt was over the house so I drank my coffee with them (my mother, nieces and sisters).

I am tired now but I am not going to go to sleep. I fear if I do, I will be up all night again. I went to bed around 9 last night and slept until my stupid bladder woke me up. I want to read another chapter in the cognitive therapy book. I am learning a lot even though the language is kind of stupid.

Tomorrow, I have therapy and will share with her what I learned so far. I got to take a shower before the appt. I think I will take one before bed tonight. I think it will relax me and make me more tired. I plan on using my Neutrogena shower gel that has a pleasant scent. That is a plan for the evening.