insurmountable grief

Insurmountable grief

I was up again at midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 5. I had set my alarm for 630 so that I could go get my blood drawn but I didn’t get up. I will have to go tomorrow morning. When I went downstairs for coffee, there were clothes to be folded. Some of the clothes were my mother’s. I felt so much sadness and grief. I want to cry but I just can’t seem to let loose.

The visiting nurse just came to change my bandage. She said I should be getting some supplies soon but I haven’t gotten them yet. She also said I am moving too much which is not good for my wound. I am trying to stay still but it is so hard. Today I folded clothes and loaded the dishwasher. Things need doing around the house. I also made stuff for me to eat, mostly leftover ham that I devoured. We got an edible arrangement from my cousins. The oranges were so sweet and good. I didn’t lift it because it is too heavy for me.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to sleep but I just lay there while my brain thinks about my mother and the past few weeks while she was alive. Or it remembers times when it was tough and my mother and I didn’t get along.