saying goodbye to my mother

Saying goodbye to my mother

It has been a tough past couple of days. Today was the funeral and it was hard. My aunts were crying badly. I was tearful at times but mostly I was numb. The service was long. I will not have religious anything at my wake or funeral. Just let people grieve their way.

I came home and noticed my nipple from my shirt. Then when I took my shirt off, the right side is really swollen and the left hurts with nerve pain. I took some ibuprofen and gabapentin to ease it some. I don’t know what else to do. The nurse called and will be coming tomorrow between 1030 and 11. The supplies came yesterday so I will shower before she gets here so that I am clean. I sweat a lot today. My bandage is not lying flat against me. I don’t know why but it is still secure and doesn’t seem to be leaking anything. It is itchy as all hell though. I’ll be glad when this thing is healed.

It was such a long day with family. I didn’t think the funeral reception was going to end. I ended up leaving when our neighbors left as I was tired and hurting. I needed to lie down and be in comfortable clothes. I am still recovering from surgery. I may not be in pain but I still get worn out. I had asked my pcp if I could donate blood and she said that I should wait till I am totally recovered.

I am reluctantly listening to the ballgame even though I just want to sleep. My favorite pitcher is pitching and I want to see how he does. He hasn’t had a good outing lately. And he is not pitching tonight. Already 2-0 Angels. UGH. It is only the first inning.

I just sent a message to my psychiatrist. I feel like I am heading toward catatonia again because I keep zoning out. Last night I was wondering why I was at the funeral home and where was my mother. When I saw her in the casket, I was expecting her to move. She was cold and I told her I would turn up the heat. She looked like she was sleeping. The casket was beautiful. It had flowers on the side of it. I am going to miss my mother so much. I am glad my mother saw me after I had surgery even if I was bandaged up. She didn’t like me having surgery as she gave me a face but she was concerned afterwards so I know she just wants me to be happy. I hope I am not becoming catatonic but I don’t know what to do to prevent it from happening. I seem to be on the edge of reality at times. Even when I am alone in my room I tend to stare at the wall for hours. I am so horribly sad. I feel like I am going to be like this forever. Feeling tired all the time doesn’t help. Some days I have energy but I don’t do anything with it except for maybe sit on my porch and watch the passerbys or cars go by. I keep looking up and down my street the same way I did when I was in the catatonic state back in Oct. I hope I don’t become catatonic because it is awful. I can’t take care of myself and just follow what my sisters tell me to do. I hope my psychiatrist can give me some signs that I am catatonic or getting to be. It is scary being in that state as I am not safe. I mean that I can go wandering out in the street and not be aware if a car is coming or just go walking and get lost. That is how I was when I was at the Square waiting for the bus but was so confused that I couldn’t get on the bus because I thought my job was to scare away pigeons.

The next step of things for the bereavement is the thank you cards. We had almost 150 people come to the wake. That is a lot of writing! I know with my father it was tough. We never been through a death before so we didn’t know what to do. Least we have some experience now. So fucking sad. I wish I could hug my mother one more time with her knowing I was giving her a hug.

any thoughts?

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