another day of grief

Another day of grief

Nurse was coming to change my bandage which meant that I could finally shower. I did and noticed my right side was more swollen than my right. I took some pics and then trimmed my beard before taking a shower. Nobody was home so I didn’t bring a change of clothes. I just wrapped a towel around my waist and then went up to my room. I put some antibiotic ointment on my nipples and sent a message to the surgeon’s practice. They told me to use Aquaphor for the nipples and to be seen next week for the swelling. Someone in the top surgery group thinks it might be seroma, which is a collection of fluid. I haven’t been wearing compression because I don’t have nobody to help me with it and it kept on falling off about an hour or two after getting taped up. I might have to have this drained. I hope not.

I forgot to brush my teeth so went back downstairs after I got dressed. As I took my toothbrush out of the cup, I noticed some toothbrushes were missing. They must have been my mother’s and I almost started to cry. It is just my toothbrush and my niece’s in the cup now.

After the nurse came and changed the bandage, I made something to eat. I had a sausage sandwich and then made fish and chips. I had to make the chicken I bought so I prepared some potatoes for it while the fish and chips were baking. I had never roasted red potatoes before so I didn’t know how long to bake them for. I figured 90 minutes would work but they were still hard. Google lied to me. They said that they would cook in 30 mins at 350. I had it for 90 mins and they still weren’t done. I had given them another half hour and then they looked done to me though a few were still hard. I am still full from the fish and chips so might have it later tonight.

I tried to nap while the chicken was cooking. I have been up since 630 though I didn’t get out of bed till 7. My sister was in the kitchen having breakfast when I got up for coffee. I have had three cups and am contemplating having a fourth. I was supposed to go out and get my antibiotic prescription but I really didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am not having my teeth pulled until May so it can wait.

I lost track on how many times I have gone up and down the stairs today to my room. I haven’t been able to stay in my room for any length of time. I have just been so restless. I hate this side of depression. It is crazy making. I just put away the potatoes I made after eating some. My niece is finally home and put the chicken away for me. I put the pan in to soak as there is stuck on potatoes on it.

I’ve been listening to Luke Bryan’s number 1 songs and OMG this album is so fucking good! All my favorite songs of his in one album. It’s better than shuffling through his albums. I love his music. It always puts me in a good mood. He is one of my first favorite male artists since Jason Aldean that I liked. I can’t wait to get paid so I can get Luke Combs new CD and of course, the new Linkin Park Meteora20. LP’s new CD is on the pricey side but so worth it. I miss Chester so much. I still think of how I could have been another suicide last fall.

I did so much today despite feeling so much grief and depression. Tomorrow I will probably be less active. I still have some reading to do before the game. Game is on later tonight because the team is out in Milwaukee. Hope I can listen to all nine innings. I am feeling so damn tired. It has been a long day. I have been fighting the urge to cry most of the day. I hate it when I am home alone because it just makes me miss my mother more. I don’t know how to not miss her. She has been gone for two weeks. The wound is still fresh. The visiting nurse acknowledged I have been through a lot the past couple of weeks. My wound (real one) is healing faster than she expected. I am glad. I just need to get the swelling on my right side squared away. I really need to keep my arms at my side more. So hard…