Feeling sad and dysphoric

I was able to keep my therapy appt today. We began EMDR which was kind of weird. She asked questions and I responded. Then she gave me some grounding stuff and appt was over. I went back to snooze until my cousin called to remind me to go grocery shopping. I picked up a few things. I most importantly bought turkey and burgers. I had a turkey roll up for lunch and am now making a burger for dinner.

There was a post by a hematologist I follow on twitter looking for blood donors. I sent a message to my pcp asking if my levels were OK for donating blood again. My iron levels were still low so not sure I can.

There was a MTF I met on Bluesky and I thought maybe we could be together but she is into women and I’m crushed. It set off some dysphoria. I feel sad. I am looking for someone but I am not. I just think it will be good to have a friend that I can talk to whenever and maybe have benefits with. My sexuality is all messed up. I don’t know if I want to be with a man or woman or MTF or what not. I still love being with a woman but but lately I’ve been thinking about penises so I don’t know what I want.

Last night or the night before I was up. I couldn’t sleep so read a chapter in critical Suicidology. It got the wheels turning so I wrote about 1300 words on my relationship with suicide. I don’t know if I should include it in the book I am writing. I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I’m thinking about sending this to my psychiatrist and get his input. I don’t see him till Nov I think and don’t want to wait that long. I am in the process of trying to find an editor. The one I thought I had from FB turned out to be the wrong kind of editor I need. So frustrating. Someone recommended another editor on FB and his info was wrong. Ugh hope my friend’s friend works out. Finding an editor is hard. And can be expensive. I am hoping once I finish, I will query publishing houses or something. I will only use Amazon as my last resort.