Feeling perturbed

Last night I was in the throws of suicidal thinking. I imagined me taking a handful of pills and throwing my luck in the air on whether I would live or die. It felt so real. I didn’t do anything. I tried reading the stuff about cognitive dissonance. It was hard reading it. I am going to try and read more today about it.

I slept for a couple of hours last night and then I was up for most of the night. I read three chapters of Henry Adams and wanted to read more. It is just so interesting even though the people he mentions, I have no idea who they are. I am also trying to figure out the timeline as he keeps going back and forth. I hate it when authors do that. It’s hard to follow.

My sister woke me up this morning. She wanted to know if I would be home for the people to change the water meter. I said I would be. I had gone to bed with a mild toothache but when I woke up, my teeth are really hurting. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on brushing my teeth, shaving my head, and then taking a shower, hopefully all together. I don’t have much energy right now and I feel perturbed. All the extra paperwork I submitted for SNAP didn’t even give me one dollar more a month. It’s a fucking joke.

I sent my therapist a text. I felt like she should know I’m not doing so great. I don’t know why I am struggling. I guess talking about suicidality has stirred things up a bit.

I got so much to do and I don’t feel like doing any of it. I feel wicked tired despite having two cups of coffee. I really didn’t fall back to sleep until after 0700. I took my meds about 6ish. I still need to do the boxes for the week. That has to be a priority. I also need to take my recycle down. Not sure what I am going to do with this printer. Pisses me off I spent like 50 bucks for the wrong toner and got the damn toner stuff all over the place. I still don’t understand how I got the wrong one as it was from the Canon website. Something isn’t right.

I want to nap. I’m just in a rough space. I feel wicked sad. Also have some dysphoria with my body. I have gained weight and it is upsetting me. I know I need to eat but I don’t want to. I want to starve myself but I like food too much. I’ve just been eating the bare minimum. I’ll figure it out one day but today isn’t the day.