therapy and crisis

Therapy and crisis?

I had therapy today and we talked about my black and white thinking about suicide. She boiled it all down to me not getting externally validated and then becoming suicidal. I thought about how I could validate myself but I would have to look it up as I don’t remember. I looked it up a few months ago, I can’t remember if it was because of a BPD chat or therapy. I don’t think I saved the search. I just feel like a nobody and said so. She said I was ableist in my thinking. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I was listening to the song Enchanted the other night and I felt a pang as it reminded me of the time I was at the AAS meeting and I felt like I belonged with these people. I wanted to spend my career as a suicidologist. I have gotten slightly off track because of my education but I still have been following best I can the research.

Anyway, this has given me a kind of crisis and I want to shave my head. I have been thinning on top for a while and even though I have been trying to get it to grow longer, hair keeps falling out. I took a selfie after my shower the other day and you can see male pattern baldness. My hair isn’t as thick as it was. I have been flirting with the idea of shaving it off but I honestly don’t like how I look when it’s like that and then when it grows, it just gives me dysphoria. And then it takes forever to grow back. The top is a mess and I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I mostly been wearing ball caps when I go out just so I don’t have to do my hair.

It’s cool today and my room temp has dropped. It’s kind of chilly. I might have to wear a long sleeve shirt soon. I tried to read Anthro today but with the construction going on, it was next to impossible. I got to put some more thought into my observation assignment. I have no idea what exactly I will be doing. It’s got to be 1250 words and I need to use references from class. Ugh. Did I mention I hate this class?? I got two classes in the fall I am hoping to take. For some reason I thought I needed 15 credits and it is actually 45, which is about 15 classes, I guess. I am going to have to take a summer course so I can graduate in the spring of whenever, though I don’t know because the language classes are 4 credits. I am just anxious and my pdoc canceled my appointment for next week. Now I won’t see him for another month. I haven’t seen him since Jan. Too long in between visits. I hate it. I hope I can get my butt to class tomorrow. I have been having anxiety about leaving the house. I honestly don’t remember the last time I left the house. I think it was when I went to the ED on Friday because I was short of breath. I still got this mother of a cough that refuses to go away. I had to take the cough suppressant and Robitussin to quiet it somewhat for therapy.