Author: Midnight Demon

I’m going under

I had shit sleep last night. I slept for three hours and then I was up all night. I managed to go back to sleep around 7 only to sleep until 10. I wanted to shave, shower, and pick up my meds but all I managed was to brush my teeth and shave. I haven’t showered yet. I’ve been putting it off.

My doc got back to me about my gallstones. She wants me to think about preventative surgery. I can’t right now as it take 4-8 weeks for recovery. That’s like half a semester. I can deal with the pain. I just need to rest when it acts up.

I have been in a down mood all day. I just can’t get going. My psychache is kind of elevated. I was reading a book about treating suicidal behavior and they talked about Dr. Shneidman’s theory. They also talked about suicide belief systems which is hopelessness, unlovability, helplessness, and poor distress tolerance. I think as a trauma survivor you can only deal with so much distress before you’re thinking about ending things.

25-Jan

I went out with my family tonight. I almost didn’t go because I had to get my meds and I wasn’t sure I would be able to catch the bus back. But there wasn’t a line at the pharmacy. I was able to catch the bus back home. I was out for at least a half hour. I like when I catch the bus on time.

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I took some Benadryl because I was stuffy and it knocked my ass out. I had a weird dream that I took care of a child that was abducted. I flew to Chicago to rescue him and return him to his mother. Then I had to wait to catch a flight back because it was close to midnight. I don’t remember where I had to go but it wasn’t Boston. It began with an S so maybe Seattle or St. Louis. I didn’t get up till after 12.

My sister sprayed some scent and it’s irritating me. I am congested and got a headache. I had a cup of coffee at my aunt’s after we ate and I am still buzzed from it. Probably from the weed too. My cousin smokes it. I hate the smell of it.

After the bar closes

I don’t know what happened yesterday but I got up after my appointment with the sleep specialist. I had a cup of coffee and my biscuits. Then I went to my room to take my T shot and I wanted to nap. I slept the rest of the day and didn’t get up till today. I woke up at 7 to pee and I took my meds. Then I got up around 10 or 11. I had a cup of coffee. I had therapy.

I had problems with my laptop. It wouldn’t connect to the site. And then everything froze. I had to restart so I joined on my phone. It was an ok session. She wanted me to try grounding techniques but they don’t work for me. She suggested I change rooms or something when I get hypervigilant. We didn’t talk much about my suicidality. I felt like bringing it up but something kept me back. I feel like I shouldn’t disclose it right now. We spent the last few minutes of session going over scheduling as I guess she is having transportation issues. I will see her in person next week and she is anxious to see the Shneidman book. I wanted to tell her about the webinar I went to on Tuesday that had safety planning as one of their goals along with DBT skills. I wish I had my therapist’s email. I would send her stuff.

After therapy, I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to shave or shower. I need to. I thought I would do it tonight but I hung out with my sister and never did. I had a Jack and coke and feel kind of drunk. I’m listening to Fearless, Taylor’s Version. It’s been a while since I heard the album. I have been switching up my music lately. Just listening to stuff that makes me feel good. I have been dealing with dark thoughts during the evening. I just wonder if I should end it. I just read a thing about how transgenders think more of suicide when they can’t get documents. I was going to get my passport but now it is too late. I have to wait four fucking years.

I got word that my financial SAP thing has been approved for 2024 but didn’t say anything about this semester. I looked at my financial aid package and I was awarded some grants to cover tuition this semester so I am glad. Classes start Tues, well Mon. But I don’t have in-person class until Tues. I am tired. I can’t go to bed yet though. It’s too early and then I will wake up in the middle of the night. I have to go to bed around 2200 or so.

So while I was having dinner, I was drinking coffee. I took a sip as I was watching a funny video and ending up spewing coffee all over the place. I choked and snorted. But it was so funny. I just watched another reel and was crying laughing. The scare cams is really funny.