Author: Midnight Demon

Still the same

Allergies are killing me today. I woke up in the early morning sneezing and after I used the bathroom I sneezed some more. I used some Flonase but I think I sneezed it out. I got up around 11. I had a couple cups of coffee and made some waffles. I think I might have chimichangas for lunch.

I took down the last of my recycling to the bin. I just need to take the trash out next. I am going to try and clear the area around my desk so I can put some stuff there. I am trying to find my sharps box. I don’t remember where I put it as it isn’t where I last had it. I have two full boxes so I need this empty one. I got to bring the full boxes to the police station as they have a box there. I am glad as last time I paid like $15 to ship them to be destroyed.

It’s like 80 degrees today. I tried to get some sun while having my coffee but I just couldn’t sit there. I don’t know how people can do it. I hate it. I get so hot. I need to be kept cool. I hope my brother in law puts in the AC today. The heat has been giving me a low level headache. I need more coffee. I think I am going to make an iced coffee next. I just hope I remember to use the iced button on the Keurig. I forgot one day and it didn’t come out good.

My sister is working from home today. I like this as I can sneak downstairs when she is out and talk with her. I am supposed to call Mass Rehab today but I got phone anxiety. I honestly don’t know what to ask of them. My DMH case worker thinks they might be helpful. I also need to call a potential place for therapy. I found out that there is a location in my town so I don’t have to back to my hometown. I still don’t know what to do about therapy. I hate that the last therapist got it in my head that I need a goal or I can’t be in therapy. I honestly don’t know what therapy is about anymore.

I think I am going to take my beard off. It feels so heavy and it really isn’t. The last time I did take it off, I felt dysphoric. I couldn’t take it down. Maybe later. I don’t know. It’s not really thick as I just trimmed it not too long ago. Maybe I will go down to a stubble.

Productive Sunday

I slept fairly well and didn’t wake up till around 8 or so. I took my meds and then went back to sleep, or tried to as my sister kept screaming for my niece and was basically loud. She kept going up and down the stairs. I didn’t know if she was coming or going. Today was my cousin’s birthday. I was supposed to go but I couldn’t get up at a decent time and my sister was in a mood. I really didn’t feel like talking to her so I just stayed in my room until she left. Then I had coffee and sat on my new deck. I had two cups before taking a shower. I shaved. I wanted to trim my hair but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to see my barber but I don’t have the money right now to see him.

The game was on so I listened to it as I did some stuff around my room. I cleared the path where my AC is so now it can be put in my window. I texted my brother in law. He said he would do it. It’s going to be 80 this week so I hope he puts it in the next few days.

I brought down some recycling. I still have more in my room. It’s mostly boxes. I feel good that I cleared this space but I still feel overwhelmed with the rest of my room. I am so depressed. I can’t shake the down feeling. I have been trying to work through it. I did my meds for the week. I still have a lot of allergies today. I have phlegm in the back of my throat that is gagging me and making me nauseous. I feel depressed and not really sure why I am. I honestly just want to go back to bed and stay there. I am still trying to do stuff around my room though. I need to finish the chapter I started last night. I woke up around midnight. I read for a little while after taking some Ativan so I wouldn’t be up all fricken night. I think I went back to sleep around 3. I am so tired from having interrupted sleep. The damn birds were singing so loud this morning. I tried to see what kind of birds they were but I didn’t want to get up to turn on the app. I tried recording when I was having my coffee but I didn’t get anything.

Sox lost in extra innings. It was disappointing. I am listening to Sugarland and Little Big Town. I am so excited to see them in concert on Halloween. I cannot wait. I love Jennifer Nettles. She still blows me away with her voice. I am going to read some more of the Who’s Afraid of Gender book. Honestly don’t know how I can read with this level of depression but I will take it because it could be gone whenever. I told my case worker that the middle of August is when my mood starts to dip and doesn’t even out until Feb. I am going to call a place tomorrow to see if I can get an intake started for therapy. I still don’t know what I am looking for. But my case worker seems to think having suicidal thoughts is enough reason to be in therapy.