Author: Midnight Demon

Thanksgiving 2023

We had Thanksgiving over my niece’s house for the first time. It was good. The food was excellent. I had one plate of food and way too many desserts. I am stuffed. I thought it was really late as it was so dark outside but it was only 6pm. My nephew made a brief appearance before he just left. I am not sure where he went as he wasn’t home when we came home. He was upset as this is the first holiday without my mother. I have had a few sad moments throughout the day.

I have had a toothache since last night. It has been hurting all day today. I have taken some meds for it but it keeps coming back. I know I need a root canal for it. Just sucks that I can’t afford it right now.

I ordered groceries for tomorrow. They didn’t have my flavor of Gatorade for two weeks so I am doing without. I was able to order Powerade so I have that. I am trying to drink more water but it is hard. I bought water so I can fill my water bottle for my room.

I am tired from things. I read another two chapters last night in my Henry Adams book. I should be finished with it this week, maybe tonight. I am at like 90% read so I am close to being done. I am reading it on my Kindle so I don’t know how many more pages I have left. I don’t know what I am going to read next.

Thanksgiving Eve 2023

I didn’t want to get up today but I had to make the butternut squash. I decided to order Starbucks. I had no more coffee in the house so I ordered that, too. I sent off my Amazon order. Now I just wait for things to clear from my account which won’t happen until next week because tomorrow is a holiday. They might clear Friday but I am not sure.

My therapist friend was kind enough to say she would like to read my suicidality thing. I don’t know where I will post it. Probably when I have her feedback sometime next week. I sent a text off to my therapist. I basically asked whether I would ever not be suicidal while being my true self.

I am debating on ordering Chinese food for tonight. I’ve been wanting Kung Pao chicken for a while now. I just want something spicy with rice. I managed to shave and brush my teeth. I posted a pic without my glasses. I think I look better without them. But I can’t see clearly without them.

My eye seems to be a little bit better. It still gets irritated quite easily if I try and get the eye gook out of my eye in the morning. I have the appointment next week and hope there is something to be done about it. I slept pretty good even though I ended up reading for an hour when I couldn’t go back to sleep at 1. I am hoping to be done with this book this week.

I’m missing my mother. She would be making cookies and the stuffing tonight for tomorrow. Last year she totally forgot about it so I just had the whole pan to myself the next day. I love her stuffing. This year my sister is making a cornbread stuffing and even though I objected to her putting in sausage, she is going to. I don’t like stuffing with meat. Stove Top has a good cornbread stuffing I like. It is hard to find sometimes. I love their original though. I can eat the whole box and have once.

I had therapy today. I wasn’t sure how I was going to wake up for it but I slept through most of the night ok. I did wake up a few times with headaches but was able to get back asleep.

Things were going great in therapy until she brought up my suicidality. I tried telling her how much it was tied to me being trans and I don’t think she was getting me. It was like she thought my suicidality was separate. Anyways I told her stuff she wanted to hear. I also told her I am trying to be more mindful when I start spiraling down. Sometimes I am able to catch myself and other times it isn’t as easy. I was getting a headache half way through. It was a dull headache. I needed coffee. I only had one cup before therapy.

I think I am going to post my suicidality thing here. I don’t know what else to do with it. I thought we were done talking about my suicidality in therapy but she still wants me to talk about it. It is hard because I am not in a suicidal mind. I vaguely thought about my plan. No one knows about it. I’d like to keep it that way. I have to learn to like myself more. I’m not sure I can. I still don’t like my body. But I know I can’t starve myself to lose the weight I need to. I care but I don’t. I just got to try and not gain more.