Author: Midnight Demon

Self-care Monday

I woke up before my med alarm so I took my meds early. I then had a couple cups of coffee. I thought about what to do today. I was hot last night so I took my shirt off and have been shirtless all day. It feels so good. It is sunny out so I didn’t go outside. You can’t be in the sun for a year post op. I think I am going to go to Starbucks and read for a bit. I think it will be nice.

I showered and brushed my teeth. I also trimmed my beard so that it is down to a scruffy look. I might shave it, I am not sure yet. I also trimmed my mustache. I am going to try and diet. I am going to take the long way to the bus stop just to get some steps in. I am also going to drink Ensure more rather than eat a meal. I will only eat protein like chicken. I am hoping with the nicer weather I can force myself to at least walk around the block a few times each day to have increased movement. I would love to walk to the Square again (1.9 miles). That is a long walk for me. I haven’t walk a mile in a very long time. I don’t know if I can do it but I think if I try every day to walk a little further than the day before I will get there.

I am feeling better after I showered. It feels really weird not having boobs anymore. I have to get used to my new chest. I love it though, so much. It makes me really happy. I wish my mother could see this or I could at least tell her so she doesn’t give me a face about it. I know she would probably have a sarcastic comment about it.

I feel sad that my mother isn’t here to share my happiness about losing the things on my chest. I just hate the numbness and tightness. I know I should be wearing the binder but it is so irritating. I will put it on before I go out for a walk. I think I have some fluid in my right side again. I will find out tomorrow if this is true. I also seem to have a lump around the incision scar on the left side. I don’t know if that is fluid or just swelling. I will ask when I see the NP.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but Friday I was able to contact a social worker at MGH and I will be starting in a bereavement group in June. I think it is short term so I don’t have to worry about it being longer than a few weeks. I see my therapist for the first time since Dec 2021 tomorrow. It will be good to see her. I want to talk about the sexual abuse my mother did to me. I think it will be important to address now that she is gone. I have been thinking about this. I never and probably never would be able to tell her how I felt when she took me to the surgeon at 13 years old because my boobs were not even. I often wonder if I came out as a boy then, what my mother would have done. I was so unhappy as a teen in addition to all the problems between my parents and sisters. It was rough during my teen years. I wish I could say more but I can’t right now.

I am so excited Taylor is coming out with her version of Speak Now!! It comes out July 7th! I’ve been listening to the album since the Sox game ended last night. I had to pause it while I listened to the game today but I have it back on now.

I’ve been feeling pretty sad. My sisters went to the cemetery yesterday and I wish they told me. Today they are at my cousin’s for a birthday party. I’ve been home with my nephew most of the day. I made a burger and some ramen noodles to eat. I then had ice cream which was not a good idea as my teeth hurt from the cold. I was able to brush my teeth for the 6th day straight. I bought new toothpaste and I love the taste. Last night I struggled to brush but I made myself do it. It is so hard for me. I was going to shower today and haven’t. I just don’t feel like it. It has been more than three days since I last showered. I don’t care. I will tomorrow.

Sox lost their 8 game win streak today. Relief pitcher gave up a home run and our bats were not swinging so we lost. Tomorrow they are off. I hope I can read some. I haven’t touched the book in a few days. Mostly it is because the author uses the word caste a lot and it is overly done, I think. I don’t think the book is well-written at all, so far. It is hard to read. It is a library book so I might return it without finishing it.

Saturday Blog 06052023

I was supposed to go to UMB but there is track work going on so shuttle busses are being used. I didn’t feel like dealing so I stayed home. I got up around 10 and had a couple cups of coffee. I made hash browns for breakfast. I thought about making some eggs but I couldn’t be bothered. I had to pick up my meds and it is a really nice day today. I changed to shorts and then grabbed the next bus to the Square. Last night I heard Taylor was coming out with her version of Speak Now so I listened to the album while I was out.

I stopped at Starbucks for a latte. I picked up some more half and half then went to the pharmacy. There wasn’t a line and I was grateful. I would have put through my antidepressant but I need refills on it. I didn’t wear the binder while out and it felt weird. I had to take it off because it was bothering me so much. I couldn’t get comfortable last night while trying to sleep so took it off. My back still cramped up on me.

Grief is still haunting me. My sisters went to the cemetery today and hung a flag at the gravesite. I wish I knew they were going. It has been so rough with her not being close to visit her. I don’t think there is a bus that goes by the cemetery. It would be a walk. I miss her so much. I didn’t think I would miss her so much. I think about her all the time. Yesterday a social worker at MGH called me back about a bereavement group. Group starts June 8^th. My therapist and psychiatrist wants me to go so I will attend for a while. I think there is a time limit on the group so it isn’t forever. I am glad because I don’t want something long term.

I am glad I went out today as I just wanted to stay in bed. I still need to do my meds for the week. I have a frozen dinner that I bought. I should have bought burgers while I was out. I got some frozen burgers but no rolls. I also want pizza. I am tempted to get it again. I can eat the whole thing by myself. I haven’t eaten anything beside the hash browns from this morning. I need to make something. I just don’t know what…