Author: Midnight Demon

I’ve been feeling like crying the past couple of hours. My cousin cut my hair today and I was overwhelmed with sadness. I had therapy today. I told my therapist what the hospice nurse said. She just let me talk. She also wants me to post more in the FTM support group I joined. I posted today because I got dead named twice today, once from my aunt and the other by my mother. It has been a hard day.

My mother has been having a good day. She hasn’t been in too much pain and has been sitting in the kitchen for most of the afternoon. I made her lunch and dinner. I suck at making grilled cheese sandwiches. I burned it. I always seem to do that.

I feel really sad. I am tired. I didn’t sleep again last night. I woke up needing to pee and had such a hard time getting back to sleep. Then my phone kept going off. I maybe got 2 hours after 7am. I wanted to get my prescriptions but it was slippery out so I didn’t go. I might go tomorrow.

I don’t know if it is because of the weather but my lower spine has been aching really bad. Part of the reason I couldn’t go back to sleep was because I was in pain. It hurt to move. My legs were aching so bad. I had something to eat around 430am so I could take some ibuprofen. I wanted to make eggs but didn’t want to clean up so I never made them.

My ankle and foot have been hurting me for most of the day. I haven’t gotten a response from my pcp because she is out of the office. I should hopefully have one next week. I need to take something for this pain. It is driving me nuts and contributing to the depression.

Sister wants me to do more around the house because I am letting my niece do things and she is getting stressed. Yet when I ask her how she is, I get no fucking response so how am I to know?? I am to let her have breaks. How when she doesn’t want to leave the house?? I don’t fucking get it. It makes me feel bad. I don’t know what to do.

I pulled my chest muscle somehow today and it hurts really bad. I have no idea how I did it. Just add it to the psychache I feel. Just feel really crummy.

23 Feb 23

I found out today that my mother has a few months left to live. I am devastated by this. I haven’t been sleeping at night. Things have been hurting a lot more, physically and mentally. Last night I had a flare of pain and it took forever to calm down. My foot bones hurt so bad. I just sent a message to my primary asking for opiate therapy to be reinitiated again. I don’t know why I was taken off my pain meds while in the hospital. Emotionally I am sad and frustrated and angry.

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I played with my phone and then I colored a picture in my coloring book. I find that coloring dinosaurs helps me. I didn’t go back to bed until around 5am. I knew the hospice nurse was coming today and I didn’t want to be introduced as daughter so I stayed upstairs.

I don’t know if it is because I am in a depressed state or what, but being misgendered by my mother isn’t bothering me as much. I have accepted she will never see me as her son as painful as that is. I felt this until gender dysphoria kicked in and I hated my boobs. Then she called me she and I said he. She was like “oh yeah”. Ugh.

I’ve had to contact the registrar at UMB again. I have access to the system but there is no information. I have just a blank screen. I am glad I am sorting out the bugs before my advising appointment. I still plan on going part time, taking two classes. I know one of them will be Italian 101 as I need a language and it time has passed too long. They have a rule that only a semester can pass before taking 102 language for their language requirement. I will have to contact Dell about getting a new battery for my laptop because it doesn’t hold a charge anymore. I have about 15 mins now if I take it off the charger. Sucks. No idea how much that will cost and if I will be able to do it myself. Just hope it isn’t complicated.

I was able to make another session with my therapist for tomorrow. I am glad because I really could use the support with this information. I really thought my mother would have at least a year. I feel bad for my niece who isn’t going to have her grandmother at her wedding. After therapy, I need to go pick up my prescriptions. I will stop at Starbucks for my mocha. I might get my haircut tomorrow. Depends how I feel and if my barber has time.

I’ve been watching Rizzoli and Isles the past few hours and loving it.

I had therapy today. We talked about trans issues most of the time. She wants me to join an FTM group. She thinks because I am around my family too much, it is affecting the dysphoria. I have dialectical feelings about my mother. She called me daughter at least three times today. It upset me. I’ve been trying to use radical acceptance to deal with it. It is hard because I know my mother will never see me as her son.

I went grocery shopping after therapy. I was out of half and half. I used a voucher and the cab driver on the return home gave me a hard time. I don’t know why.

My mother was ok today. We didn’t have visitors because the weather was snowing. Supposed to be cold this week. We’ll see.