Author: Midnight Demon

Finally some answers

I have had bladder pain the past two weeks and over the weekend the pain got worse so I went reluctantly to the ED. I spent nearly 12 hours there as I was waiting for radiology to do the CT scan on me. There were 10 patients ahead of me and I thought about walking out. But I am glad I stayed because the scan showed I had bladder inflammation which possibly means infection as the urine was clear. I was put on antibiotics and I am glad they sent it to the pharmacy near me rather than the square.

I didn’t get home till around 2 am. I took a cab home as there was no T at that time. I had to do my med boxes but I first had a bowl of cereal because I was starving. All I had was the oatmeal with breakfast and that was it. I didn’t have lunch. Because I had to wait on the scan, I couldn’t eat or drink anything. They gave me IV morphine for the pain and it worked so good. For the first time in 2.5 weeks, I wasn’t in pain in my midsection.

I tried to sleep but I kept on having bad dreams. One of them was about seeing some kids fall off a porch and I couldn’t catch them in time. I think I got a total of like 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I just came back from the pharmacy and I am sweating. It is warm out but not really hot. I would sweat anyways. I am going to ask my pcp if she would put in a standing order of antibiotics in case the bladder pain comes back. I hope she doesn’t refer me to fucking uro because they are useless. I had a legit reason for my pain and I don’t want to have to have a CT scan every time it flares up because the urine is negative. I haven’t gotten the culture back yet. It could be in the afternoon or tomorrow if there is something in there. The nurse had to straight cath me and I don’t know why they just didn’t let me do it in the first place. She missed so I ended up using my own catheter and getting the urine specimen. I had so much lube it was difficult to locate the urethra because it like to play hide and seek on me. When I went to get back on the stretcher, there was a brown stain on the sheet and for a moment I thought I shit the bed but then I realized it was the betadine. Nurse was in a rush. She didn’t get the IV on me even though I told her where to go to get the vein. She didn’t listen so she didn’t get it. I get so frustrated when they don’t listen. Another nurse ended up getting me when I moved to another location of the ED. She was a very nice nurse, even though she got my pronouns wrong and called me a lady. I don’t understand why they do this (yes I do because they see my fucking chest) when they have my pronouns in my chart! The doctor was cool in asking my pronouns and what I wanted to be called. I do have to say that the IV morphine went to my head. It was spinning like a top. Then I got the worse case of chest pain/anxiety for about 10 mins.

I brought my book and was able to read at least a chapter of it. I wanted to read another chapter but by then it was after 11pm and they dimmed the lights so much I couldn’t read. I am making headway in the book and should be finished sometime this week if I keep at it. There is only like 5 chapters left.

I don’t know if I said this before but the cognitive therapy book I was looking for, I already bought. I need to make a database of my clinical books so I don’t go buying two books. It would have been nice if Amazon had told me this when I first looked it up rather than having a google search tell me. I had bought the book in 2015. I think I have it in my room. I will go looking for it once I finish the book I am reading now, though I just ordered Beck’s Cognitive therapy for suicide behavior so might read that first as it is handy.

I have therapy today. Therapist just texted me asking if I still wanted to meet today and I said that I did. I want to talk about my dreams some more. Also want to talk more about my suicidal feelings. Going to tell her things got bad Saturday night. I wasn’t going to act but the pain just made me think about death and I started planning the end. When I was in that state, I had no thoughts about reaching out to talk to someone, much less getting help or calling a crisis line. I have firmly resolved that if I do act, I won’t text her saying so. I honestly believe, while in the state, no one can help me. It’s like the Linkin Park song, nobody’s listening. The signs are there but no one is paying attention.

Pain shouldn’t happen early in the day

I just woke up and went downstairs to have my coffee and some oatmeal. After I finished the oatmeal, my ankle starting hurting me. I finished the rest of my coffee and then cleaned up, washing my cup out. I have to wash it out because other wise it gets put in the dishwasher and gets spider scratches on the cup. I just took my pain med and ibuprofen. I need to do my med boxes today, but I usually wait until the afternoon to do them.

Today I plan on reading for at least a couple of hours. I want to read at least two chapters, if I am up to it, three. I have lost interest in the ball game because I just don’t care anymore. They are losing anyways and it is just a disappointment. Such talent and nothing to show for it.

I finally had a decent bowel movement. The belt that was around my waist is gone, least for now. I still feel backed up so will be taking some more Miralax soon. I am not going out tomorrow and my therapy appointment is in the afternoon so I should be ok, though sometimes my nerves from the appointment causes my bowels to go berserk. Sometimes it is a false alarm and sometimes it is get to the bathroom now, even though my appointment starts in ten minutes.

Last night I was having severe bladder pains. I almost went to the ED as they were so bad. I am still hurting today but not as bad. It has been two weeks now that I have been having this pain. I will send a message to my pcp to see what to do about it. They probably will just tell me to go to uro so I will send a message there as well.

I went to bed around 2100 only to wake up at midnight. I stay up for a couple of hours and then went back to sleep. Woke up again around 6 to pee but was able to get back to sleep. Soon as my ankle starts to calm down a bit, I plan on throwing some clothes in the washer. I need to wash some clothes. I usually just put them in the hamper for my mother to do them but I want it done now as I just bought some clothes and want to wear them.

I think I am going to make another cup of coffee and then read my book. I am getting tired. Pain wears me out so much the past few days. I hate it because all I want to do is sleep. But I never can sleep during the day anymore for some reason. My mind wanders and it keeps me up.

Saturday Blog 30072022

I’ve had a tiring day. I wanted to do some laundry and I have yet to do it. My bladder still hurts, now without a full bladder so I don’t know what to make of it. Ibuprofen isn’t helping it. I’ve also had a headache most of the day which hasn’t helped my mood.

I’ve been in my room for the most part. I had two cups of coffee today, not that it has helped my tiredness. I got some sleep so I don’t know why I am so tired. I know I got up around 5 to pee and then I had a bowl of cereal because I was hungry. I fell back to sleep soon as I came back up to my room. I really haven’t eaten much today. I had a smoothie for lunch. I haven’t had dinner yet. I don’t know if I want a bowl of cereal or mac and cheese. I got to take my meds soon but I can’t take them on an empty stomach or I will get sick. The Latuda needs to have some food in my stomach or it makes me nauseous.

I haven’t read my book today. I did a google search to try and find the cognitive therapy book I am looking for and my search found that I had bought it in 2015! I need to make a database of my clinical books so I don’t buy duplicates. I’ll do that one of these days when I feel really bored. Excel can be tricky to work with. Trouble is, the books that are in the basement, I won’t know what they are and everything is so stacked, I can’t move them by myself. I just hope they don’t get mold or ruined otherwise because they are in the basement.

Tiring day of appointments

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicidality. She validated that she cares about me and that felt so good. I really thought she didn’t care whether I lived or died. I told her that there is no guarantee I would tell her I would attempt. She understood that. I also told her things sort of changed when I found out I was going to have top surgery. That I saw myself being shirtless during the summer. But then I found the bottle of pills to end my life and I’ve been in a suicidal state since then due to pain.

After my appointment, I got dressed and waited for the cab to take me to my pcp appointment. I finally met the nurse that I have been emailing all the time. It was nice to put a name with a face. I had written down what had happened to me and gave it to my pcp. She said she had shoulder surgery two weeks ago so she needed the help of another doctor to examine me. I had diminished feeling on my clit and other parts of my inner labia. The outer parts I had feeling. She thinks the intense orgasm I had flared up some pelvic floor muscles. I am to have no sexual activity for a week and take ibuprofen three times a day for a week. I see her next Thurs so we will discuss how I am then. If no improvement then I will have to have a scan done.

I didn’t take a cab back home though I should have but I forgot to take a voucher with me. I walked to the station and it was painful with my back cramping up on me. I had to stop every so often so it took longer for me to reach the station. I had to stand on the train halfway to my stop because the train was crowded. It was also hot as there was no air circulation. A passenger kept taking his shirt off to cool himself down. I reported the car and the passenger as he didn’t look well.

I have been dying for an ice cream sandwich. I went to the store across the street from the station but they didn’t have any. I was bummed. I thought about getting another ice cream but my hands were dirty from holding on to the bar and I didn’t want to chance getting covid. The bus finally came and it was very air conditioned. It was nice. I didn’t want to get off when my stop came but I did. It took me forever to get home as I was tired and again my back kept cramping up. I had to stop a few times and then I sat on a bench for a few minutes. I had to go pee because I drank a lot of water. I had brought my water bottle with me.

My mother made mushrooms for supper. I don’t like mushrooms. I ended up ordering a pizza. It was good. My sister came home today from her trip to Bermuda. I missed her so much. She gave me a long sleeve t-shirt from Bar Harbor Maine. I love it. It was a large but it looked like an XL. I am glad she is home.

I am super tired. I had to take some Miralax because I have been really constipated the last week. I really have gone much even though I had a movement yesterday. Just little pieces. I feel like I have a belt around my waist so I know I am backed up. I had gone to the bathroom to cath and my back cramped up on me really bad. It is so sore right now. I took some pain meds so I hope it eases up.

While doing something on my phone, it had suggested a sleep time for me that sets an alarm for bed time and an alarm for waking up. I set it for 2200 for bedtime and 0800 for waking. I am usually in bed before that time anyway but I am up around 8 to take my morning meds. I am wicked tired from the walking I did and the stress of the appointments I went to. No sex for a week is going to be hard but not impossible. The doctor that helped my pcp is taking some of my pcp’s patients so I put in a request to have her as my pcp when my current pcp leaves. She is only going to be here for another month and then she is leaving Boston. I am going to miss her. This will be my fourth pcp in five years. Such a shame they can’t keep doctors. Only one I left because he was an asshole. I hope I am not making a mistake having this doctor as my pcp, though she has been signing off on my pain meds the last few months so might as well see her.