Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

miserable day but I got my haircut

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Miserable day but I got my haircut

I wasn’t feeling that great when I woke up today. I had some dreams but they were just weird, not bad. Ankle was buzzing but wasn’t painful. I left early to go to Starbucks to get my mocha and a lemon loaf. I also had to get cash from the ATM to pay my barber. I drank some of my mocha and then when it was a few minutes before my appointment time, I left for the ATM. My new savings account doesn’t appear to be linked to my ATM card. I went to three machines and I couldn’t get the money out so I had to transfer the money to my checking to get it out. I need to call the bank and find out why this is happening.

The additional steps walking to the different machines and back to my barber’s shop killed my ankle. My pain is now a 10. I bought some food and now my tooth is bothering me. I also had a bowel movement finally but it was very painful. I am still in a lot of pain. I think it is nerve pain and there is nothing I can do about it. This pain has been going on since before I left the house. It is going on for five hours now. I posted on Twitter that I wanted to just open a bottle of pills and down them. I honestly don’t know what is stopping me. I texted my therapist that I was glad I was seeing her tomorrow. Now I want to text her I don’t know what is stopping me from taking a bottle of pills. Honestly think it is because I just don’t have the energy to do it. I am so tired from my walking around to get to ATMs. I just want to go to sleep now that I have eaten a big meal, my only meal for the day.

The other day, the only meal I had was a package of mac and cheese. It was one of the bigger bowls of Velveeta. I like it because it is filling. Last night, I just had half a grilled chicken salad with some mozzarella sticks. I got hungry after midnight so I had some fig newtons. The serving size is 2 cookies. I ate like 14. I had to control myself not to eat the whole box. There were only 20 cookies in the package. Definitely not worth the price I paid for it.

I wrote out what I want to say to my pcp tomorrow. I figure that will be easier than saying out loud what is going on. I am glad I had a bowel movement even though it caused me severe pain. I thought with my activities I might have caused impaction. I am nervous about her examining me. It isn’t going to be pleasant. I really hope she examines my genitals to make sure they are ok more than exploring my behind.

 I wrote out a sex story. That was fun. I have an idea for another story that I will write later this week.

I am feeling very depressed and suicidal but don’t have the intent to act on my feelings. I am very tired from going out today. I didn’t intend to walk all the way that I did. It caused such a flare up of pain. It is only 430p and I want to nap. I have been drinking a lot of water since I came home because I sweat so much while out. It was wicked hot today and humid. I need to rest my leg before it flares up too. I took a pain med and some ibuprofen for my toothache. There is nothing I can take for the nerve pain in my butt. It really sucks when it flares up.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to bed till 0530a. then I woke up at 8 to pee. All night all I thought about was emptying my bladder. I couldn’t rest because I felt like I had to empty even though I really wasn’t drinking that much, if at all. It drove me crazy.

Chronic illness and disability causes grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

This was posted in the CRPS and RSD group on FB.

CHRONIC ILLNESS and DISABILITY causes GRIEF: by: Angela Piccolotti

No one tells you that you will grieve when you become disabled and/or chronically ill. Grief is expected when a loved one dies but you don’t expect it when you experience a chronic illness or disability.

The process is the same. You go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to our new reality. The feelings are the same. The only difference is that instead of a loved one dying, it’s like you’ve died. Your life’s hopes, dreams, and plans are dead. Who you were and who you wanted to become are gone. Everything you used to be. All forever changed.

You break your own heart over and over again because you have hope of a restored body and life but no matter what you do you can’t achieve them.

It’s like you’ve died, but still you’re still breathing and you still have a pulse. You’re a ghost in your own life, a shell of your former self. You are haunted by your old self, your old life, your old hopes and dreams, your former health, all you used to be and all you used to be able to do. You remember everything you’ve lost. It’s heartbreaking!

You feel like you’re just taking up space. You feel so worthless. You can no longer DO. You can only sit by idle as life goes on without you being able to participate in it. It’s agonizingly painful!

been feeling really depressed past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Been really depressed past few days.

I’ve been really down the past few days. I haven’t been able to think much or care about anything. I have been trying to keep up with this blog as it is my only saving grace but some days it is very difficult to write.

I had therapy yesterday and we talked about my bad dreams and about my mother “owning” me. She wouldn’t tell me outright that my mother didn’t own me. I had to have a friend tell me this. I was then able to process it a little bit better. I feel like if she owns me then I can’t have surgery because this is “her body”. I know it may sound stupid but it is all trauma. That is what my therapist kept saying over and over. I need to have this surgery in order to feel more masculine, to be me. It is hard because a few months ago my mother said that she owned me and that I was her “daughter”. This is just some fucked up imagination that my mother has. She thinks that because she brought me into this world that I am hers. That is not what a parent should do. I am so damn conflicted. I said that I was fucked up and my therapist said I was. Thanks. I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear from her.

After session, I became suicidal. I remembered the pills I bought to end my life. My therapist didn’t know it at the time. But we talked this morning and now and she knows. We are having a session Friday to discuss it. She asked me if I was safe. I told her I was. I kept on having fantasies about taking the meds and surviving. I was found in time to be saved. I doubt that will happen if I do it. I am not going to be stupid and text my therapist I am going to do it. That is just dumb. I won’t tell her goodbye.

I have dreams of ending my life, even before having top surgery. It is all because I know that I will still be in pain regardless if I have breasts or not. I will still have CRPS. That isn’t going anywhere. It makes me so depressed thinking about it. I am in so much grief of not having a life that I dreamed of. This really kills me. Because of my mental illness, I can’t finish my degree. I also don’t have the money to do so, even if I somehow managed it.

I made an appointment with my pcp for this week. I also see her next week but that is to discuss my pain meds. I need to talk to her about my orgasms. The last time I climaxed it hurt my legs as they just spazzed out and then cramped on me. Then there are times where I can’t seem to feel myself no matter how I rub my clit. The tissue just doesn’t seem to want to get excited. I know part of this is because of my nerve injury. I have never talked to a professional about this before.

I need to take a shower today. It is another hot one. My hair is so icky, filled with sweat and just dirty from not washing in a few days. Actually maybe longer than that. I don’t remember when I showered. I have been brushing my teeth though. I am on a 9 day streak.

I might go for a walk to the mailbox today. I need to mail my voting card thing. I know I am going to sweat like mad because of the heat so I am debating holding off on the shower. I got a headache so I might just shower and shave. I plan on going out tomorrow to get my haircut so will mail my voting thing then. I really don’t like my hair long like it is. Every time I look at myself I hate myself. I just look so ugly. It fuels the suicidal feelings I have. I feel like I should die. I will one day. Just hope it is soon.