Author: Midnight Demon

I am feeling really depressed right now. My mother needs help moving the couch and I can’t help because of my back and ankle. I am depressed because of other things. Gender dysphoria is high. I want to be shirtless. But I don’t want to see my damn chest the way it is.

Last night I was in pain with my ankle and foot. My foot kept cramping on me. I have no idea why. It was awful as I could feel every muscle in my foot tense up in a bad way. Thoughts of suicide floated through me. I just wanted to end my life. I have no reason to be here. Being disabled really is fucking with me. I see things of how would your life be in 10 yrs. I’ll just be 10 years older. Nothing to show for it. My intelligence gone to waste. I have no job. Just a life of pain and agony. Physically and emotionally and mentally.

There is a webinar that CAMS Care is putting out. I signed up for it but now I’m thinking why bother. What good is knowing more stuff about suicidology when I don’t practice it. I’m just a loser. My life doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. I should just die. It hurts to breathe. It always feels like there is a weight on my chest. Sunny days hurt the most.

I am tired of struggling. I don’t see my therapist tomorrow. Not that she really helps me. She doesn’t care. As long as I don’t tell her I am going to act on my feelings we can talk about them. That is what I do on my blog. I talk about this shittiness I feel. That no one else wants to listen to. I told my friend in Scotland I was going to die. I was going to end my life and I didn’t realize how I was saying it meant it was going to happen soon. I just got to hang on for a year when my niece graduates high school.

I am kind of hoping that after I have top surgery, the dysphoria will be less and I will like my body more, scars and all. Hoping that this will make me wanting to die less. I know I will still have pain. The new dose of pain meds has helped my pain considerably. Pain isn’t going up my leg like it was. I am taking less BT meds. Seems this dose is finally adequate. Now to just have my insurance see this.

I am physically tired most days. I am mentally tired nearly every day. It is a struggle some days to concentrate on things. Brain fog is real. It can be due to pain or depression. Some days I find myself staring at the wall for more than twenty minutes. Just a blank stare. Nothing particular on my mind. Today I am tired mentally and physically. I don’t want to do anything other than ponder death. My therapist would want me to think of other things more pleasant. But what is so wrong with thinking about death? Everyone dies. No one has immortality. Whether I die at 46 or 96 it will still happen. I don’t want to live that long. Hell I didn’t even plan on making it to my 40s. It just happened. I hate it. Just cremate me when I die in a year from now. Spread my dust around the City Yards. That is all I want.

Saturday Blog 23072022

I am disgusted with my baseball team. They lost abysmally 28-5 last night. It was pitiful. I am done keeping track of the record on my Twitter. They have no pitchers that can pitch and I seriously doubt they are going to get help at the trade deadline.

I had a difficult night sleeping. I would sleep for forty-five minutes to an hour and then be up for two to three hours. I took my meds around 0630 so I wouldn’t have the med alarm wake me up. Didn’t work though because I was up before 9. I made coffee and oatmeal and then got dressed to pick up my meds. I sweated the whole time I was out. I was soaked by the time I got to Starbucks. Again they gave me the wrong order. I ordered a mocha and they gave me some kind of latte. They remade the drink. While they did, I used the bathroom. I got my mocha and some water as I was thirsty.

I read a chapter about child abuse. I related to what the author was writing about. It was a difficult chapter to read. After I finished reading it, I caught the bus home. My bowels were getting funky and I didn’t want to risk a bowel accident while out. My mother called me on the way home telling me she made burgers. I don’t feel hungry. I ordered a lemon loaf while at Starbucks but I didn’t eat it. I will have it with tomorrow’s coffee. Just hope no one eats it. I tried hiding it. We’ll see if it remains untouched tomorrow.

I am feeling really tired. The heat really did a number on me. I feel really depressed. Sitting in a chair for the hour or so while reading my book flared up my ankle/foot. I am in a lot of pain. Doesn’t help that my bowels are being funky. I don’t know if I am passing shit or gas. To be on the safe side I go to the toilet and let it rip. I have no idea what is causing this much gas. I just know going up and down the stairs is painful. I am also peeing when I go so my bladder isn’t as empty as I think it is. Fuck. Last night I did an experiment. I went pee, cathed and then two hours later cathed. I didn’t drink a drop of anything. There was at least 300cc’s of urine in my bladder. So I am back to having an alarm go off to tell me to cath. Fun.

Met with dietitian today

I woke up really late today. I got up around 2. I had my coffee and biscuits. I had like an hour before I had my appointment. I wish I didn’t sleep so late as I wanted to pick up my meds. Now I will have to go tonight or tomorrow.

I had the meeting with the dietitian and she asked what I had for each meal. It was hard because sometimes I just have one meal a day and that is all. She said that I should have something every 4-5 hours and to increase my water intake by half a liter. I am going to add some cheese to my grocery order.

My mother made flounder for dinner. It is a fish we normally don’t eat. I didn’t like it. It takes like flour. I had some red potatoes with it. It was ok.

I don’t think I will be going out. I am kind of tired. I hate when I sleep past noon as then I feel tired all day.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday. We talked about ketamine. He is putting in the referral for it. They had some questions about past medication experiences. The first question was have I experienced psychosis. I have and I hope that isn’t going to go against me. It is controlled right now with meds. Part of me wants to stop it to see if I will be psychotic again. But I also know that if I do, the medication won’t work as well when I restart it. I hate that in this sense I am dependent on the medication. He said that he will send a message to my therapist about starting ketamine. I am a little nervous about it. If it works, it could also help my pain.

I had to go to the bathroom and after I did my business, I brushed my teeth. I am on a four day streak right now. Hope I am able to keep it up.

Sox are playing tonight against the Blue Jays. I’m half interested and half just want to sleep. I have been slowly losing interest in my Sox. Depression has just gotten so damn bad. Most days all I think about is death. There is a webinar that Jobes is putting on about futures. I think I am going to go to it. It might help the depression. Seeing Jobes always makes me happy. I look up to him so much.