Feeling really rough

I am feeling really depressed right now. My mother needs help moving the couch and I can’t help because of my back and ankle. I am depressed because of other things. Gender dysphoria is high. I want to be shirtless. But I don’t want to see my damn chest the way it is.

Last night I was in pain with my ankle and foot. My foot kept cramping on me. I have no idea why. It was awful as I could feel every muscle in my foot tense up in a bad way. Thoughts of suicide floated through me. I just wanted to end my life. I have no reason to be here. Being disabled really is fucking with me. I see things of how would your life be in 10 yrs. I’ll just be 10 years older. Nothing to show for it. My intelligence gone to waste. I have no job. Just a life of pain and agony. Physically and emotionally and mentally.

There is a webinar that CAMS Care is putting out. I signed up for it but now I’m thinking why bother. What good is knowing more stuff about suicidology when I don’t practice it. I’m just a loser. My life doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. I should just die. It hurts to breathe. It always feels like there is a weight on my chest. Sunny days hurt the most.

I am tired of struggling. I don’t see my therapist tomorrow. Not that she really helps me. She doesn’t care. As long as I don’t tell her I am going to act on my feelings we can talk about them. That is what I do on my blog. I talk about this shittiness I feel. That no one else wants to listen to. I told my friend in Scotland I was going to die. I was going to end my life and I didn’t realize how I was saying it meant it was going to happen soon. I just got to hang on for a year when my niece graduates high school.

I am kind of hoping that after I have top surgery, the dysphoria will be less and I will like my body more, scars and all. Hoping that this will make me wanting to die less. I know I will still have pain. The new dose of pain meds has helped my pain considerably. Pain isn’t going up my leg like it was. I am taking less BT meds. Seems this dose is finally adequate. Now to just have my insurance see this.

I am physically tired most days. I am mentally tired nearly every day. It is a struggle some days to concentrate on things. Brain fog is real. It can be due to pain or depression. Some days I find myself staring at the wall for more than twenty minutes. Just a blank stare. Nothing particular on my mind. Today I am tired mentally and physically. I don’t want to do anything other than ponder death. My therapist would want me to think of other things more pleasant. But what is so wrong with thinking about death? Everyone dies. No one has immortality. Whether I die at 46 or 96 it will still happen. I don’t want to live that long. Hell I didn’t even plan on making it to my 40s. It just happened. I hate it. Just cremate me when I die in a year from now. Spread my dust around the City Yards. That is all I want.