Author: Midnight Demon

Late day for me

I woke up around 2pm and got up. I had woken up a few times during the night and had oatmeal at like 3am because I was hungry. But I didn’t have any bad dreams. It is much to hot to do anything. I had made a burger in the hot kitchen while I had my coffee. It wasn’t my ideal beverage but I needed coffee. As I was cleaning up I noticed a water trail on the counter. I think the 2.5 gal of water is leaking so I put the spout over the sink. Not sure if that is where the water is coming from but just to be safe.

I don’t have anything planned today. I have no appointments. Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. Hopefully he will have more information for me about ketamine. I also need a refill on Ativan. I am going to ask if he will pick up the prescription for the Pristiq. My neuro was prescribing it but she has left.

I am going to try and shower today. It is way too hot to get dressed in the bathroom so I will just wrap a towel around me and go up to my room. I also need to brush my teeth as I haven’t done so yet. I really want to get back to sleep. I don’t feel like doing anything. I got really depressed last night. Pain was really bad. I had gone to the bathroom and had trouble coming back up to my room. My ankle had said no after a few steps. I hate when it goes out on me. If I ever win the lottery, I want a one level apartment with no stairs.

Today is T shot day. I just remembered so gave myself the shot. I am stocked for the next few shots as my doc gave me three vials. I won’t have to have a refill till Sept or so. I have to go for blood work in a few weeks. I have it in my calendar. I don’t have a lot of appointments in Aug. I had ortho but I canceled it because my shoulder pain has been better since getting the cortisone shots. I haven’t tried weight lifting yet. I have been lazy to get the weights. I also don’t want another thing on my bed. I have to start clearing things off as I want to change my sheets again. Such an ordeal. I don’t know how things accumulate so much.

Did I mention I hate summer?

Omg today is hot and I had to go out to get my meds. It is no longer just a quick down the street walk since I changed pharmacies. I got a frappucino after I got my meds. Starbucks now has paper straws and I hate them. I usually order an iced drink so I can drink without a straw as they now have drinkable lids. But you can’t drink a frapp without a straw. I got their new mocha cookie frapp and it was good. A lot of cookie chunks. I think I would have been happier with my java chip frap that I usually get.

I pretty much slept through the night for the first time in forever. I woke up at 5 but went back to sleep afterwards. I didn’t stay up. I got up around 9 and made coffee. I didn’t eat anything. I went back to my room and called the pharmacy to see when my meds would be ready. Then I laid down and realized I didn’t take my meds yet. Oops. I had to take them with water because I had just brushed my teeth.

My mother had my burger for lunch so now I don’t have dinner. If she had told me, I would have taken the other burgers out and they might have been defrosted by now. Oh well. I will probably have cereal later. I just had the rest of the spinach she made. She also made squash but she put hot stuff in it and my stomach doesn’t like it even if my mouth does.

My pcp’s office called me. Apparently I sent them two copies of the advance directives instead of two different sheets. I had kept the top copies and mailed the bottom ones. Oops. I will mail the correct sheet tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I had to take off my shirt as it was soaking wet with sweat. I hate summer because I sweat so bad. I am just glad it isn’t humid. Tomorrow is supposed to reach 96 degrees. I will hopefully mail the letter in the morning before it gets too hot, but then it was 80 when I was having my coffee.

I am hot and have a headache. I got the AC on the lowest setting but I had it turned off while I was out getting my meds. My room got hot. I only had the spinach and a yogurt to eat. Kitchen is really hot so I don’t want to go back downstairs. I am also tired. My ankle is starting to flare up. Feels like there is a knife right in the joint. I hate this feeling. Totally depresses me. The more I try and walk around the more I hurt. Stairs are still a killer for me. I got stuck today as I got home. I must have went up like 4 steps and my ankle was like nope. No more. Took me a little while to go the rest of the way. All Star game tonight. I might check the scores now and then but don’t plan on paying that much attention to it. I just plan on reading my book.

Bad night of little to no sleep

I will never again have a late coffee after 2pm. I couldn’t sleep last night to save my life. I was drifting off around 0300 so laid down, but all I did was toss and turn. I just couldn’t get comfortable and my mind just couldn’t rest. I had tried everything. Listen to music. Write in my journal. I stayed away from reading the book in case it got me thinking more. I stayed off my laptop. I just couldn’t rest. I honestly think it wasn’t cold enough for me to sleep.

Today is so fricken humid. The kitchen is disgustingly hot. My mother was in the living room where it was cooler. That is how I know it was too hot. I had my coffee. I brushed my teeth. I want to shave and shower but I might just shave. I hate showering when it is humid. I might do what I did last week and that is just cover myself with a towel and then get dressed in my cool room.

I tried to nap and all I did was rest. I hope I don’t get brain fog when I see my therapist in a few hours. That will really suck. Afternoon times were really my “awake” hours. Now it is fighting sleep. I find if I am up before 10, I am more productive, usually. But if I wake up after 12, I am useless and have sleepless nights like I did last night.

I think it is going to downpour. The sun is blocked and it is getting kind of dark out for it being close to noon. I don’t know if T storms are in the forecast. I haven’t been paying attention to the weather. According to Weatherbug, there is 50% risk of storms so guess it could happen. I closed my chair on the porch so it didn’t get blown if the wind was strong.

I took out a couple of burgers so I can have them for dinner tonight. Wish I had turkey bacon. That would be a colossal sandwich. I haven’t had lunch yet so maybe I will make my cheesy scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese. Too hot so I just made mac and cheese.

I had therapy. I didn’t fall asleep or was foggy brained, thank god. I told her what a clusterfuck of a week it was and she wants me to be proud of myself for getting shit done. She harped on this the whole session. Then when I changed mid to last few minutes of session, it was really hard to talk about what I needed to talk about. We talked about my mother’s abuse towards me. I told her I haven’t told my family about the top surgery. I let my friends on facebook know but not my family. They don’t need to know right now.

I made a burger for dinner and had half a beer with it. It was good. Now I am tired and all I want to do is sleep. Just been an emotionally exhausting day with very little sleep. I am in so much pain with my ankle because there are storms coming. I feel like I have no reason to live and just want to die. I’ve been cathing most of the day. Thing that sucks is the AC makes my hands cold so when I touch myself it is like BBBRRRRRRRR. Sucks.