Finally some answers

Finally some answers

I have had bladder pain the past two weeks and over the weekend the pain got worse so I went reluctantly to the ED. I spent nearly 12 hours there as I was waiting for radiology to do the CT scan on me. There were 10 patients ahead of me and I thought about walking out. But I am glad I stayed because the scan showed I had bladder inflammation which possibly means infection as the urine was clear. I was put on antibiotics and I am glad they sent it to the pharmacy near me rather than the square.

I didn’t get home till around 2 am. I took a cab home as there was no T at that time. I had to do my med boxes but I first had a bowl of cereal because I was starving. All I had was the oatmeal with breakfast and that was it. I didn’t have lunch. Because I had to wait on the scan, I couldn’t eat or drink anything. They gave me IV morphine for the pain and it worked so good. For the first time in 2.5 weeks, I wasn’t in pain in my midsection.

I tried to sleep but I kept on having bad dreams. One of them was about seeing some kids fall off a porch and I couldn’t catch them in time. I think I got a total of like 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I just came back from the pharmacy and I am sweating. It is warm out but not really hot. I would sweat anyways. I am going to ask my pcp if she would put in a standing order of antibiotics in case the bladder pain comes back. I hope she doesn’t refer me to fucking uro because they are useless. I had a legit reason for my pain and I don’t want to have to have a CT scan every time it flares up because the urine is negative. I haven’t gotten the culture back yet. It could be in the afternoon or tomorrow if there is something in there. The nurse had to straight cath me and I don’t know why they just didn’t let me do it in the first place. She missed so I ended up using my own catheter and getting the urine specimen. I had so much lube it was difficult to locate the urethra because it like to play hide and seek on me. When I went to get back on the stretcher, there was a brown stain on the sheet and for a moment I thought I shit the bed but then I realized it was the betadine. Nurse was in a rush. She didn’t get the IV on me even though I told her where to go to get the vein. She didn’t listen so she didn’t get it. I get so frustrated when they don’t listen. Another nurse ended up getting me when I moved to another location of the ED. She was a very nice nurse, even though she got my pronouns wrong and called me a lady. I don’t understand why they do this (yes I do because they see my fucking chest) when they have my pronouns in my chart! The doctor was cool in asking my pronouns and what I wanted to be called. I do have to say that the IV morphine went to my head. It was spinning like a top. Then I got the worse case of chest pain/anxiety for about 10 mins.

I brought my book and was able to read at least a chapter of it. I wanted to read another chapter but by then it was after 11pm and they dimmed the lights so much I couldn’t read. I am making headway in the book and should be finished sometime this week if I keep at it. There is only like 5 chapters left.

I don’t know if I said this before but the cognitive therapy book I was looking for, I already bought. I need to make a database of my clinical books so I don’t go buying two books. It would have been nice if Amazon had told me this when I first looked it up rather than having a google search tell me. I had bought the book in 2015. I think I have it in my room. I will go looking for it once I finish the book I am reading now, though I just ordered Beck’s Cognitive therapy for suicide behavior so might read that first as it is handy.

I have therapy today. Therapist just texted me asking if I still wanted to meet today and I said that I did. I want to talk about my dreams some more. Also want to talk more about my suicidal feelings. Going to tell her things got bad Saturday night. I wasn’t going to act but the pain just made me think about death and I started planning the end. When I was in that state, I had no thoughts about reaching out to talk to someone, much less getting help or calling a crisis line. I have firmly resolved that if I do act, I won’t text her saying so. I honestly believe, while in the state, no one can help me. It’s like the Linkin Park song, nobody’s listening. The signs are there but no one is paying attention.