Finally some answers

Finally some answers

I have had bladder pain the past two weeks and over the weekend the pain got worse so I went reluctantly to the ED. I spent nearly 12 hours there as I was waiting for radiology to do the CT scan on me. There were 10 patients ahead of me and I thought about walking out. But I am glad I stayed because the scan showed I had bladder inflammation which possibly means infection as the urine was clear. I was put on antibiotics and I am glad they sent it to the pharmacy near me rather than the square.

I didn’t get home till around 2 am. I took a cab home as there was no T at that time. I had to do my med boxes but I first had a bowl of cereal because I was starving. All I had was the oatmeal with breakfast and that was it. I didn’t have lunch. Because I had to wait on the scan, I couldn’t eat or drink anything. They gave me IV morphine for the pain and it worked so good. For the first time in 2.5 weeks, I wasn’t in pain in my midsection.

I tried to sleep but I kept on having bad dreams. One of them was about seeing some kids fall off a porch and I couldn’t catch them in time. I think I got a total of like 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I just came back from the pharmacy and I am sweating. It is warm out but not really hot. I would sweat anyways. I am going to ask my pcp if she would put in a standing order of antibiotics in case the bladder pain comes back. I hope she doesn’t refer me to fucking uro because they are useless. I had a legit reason for my pain and I don’t want to have to have a CT scan every time it flares up because the urine is negative. I haven’t gotten the culture back yet. It could be in the afternoon or tomorrow if there is something in there. The nurse had to straight cath me and I don’t know why they just didn’t let me do it in the first place. She missed so I ended up using my own catheter and getting the urine specimen. I had so much lube it was difficult to locate the urethra because it like to play hide and seek on me. When I went to get back on the stretcher, there was a brown stain on the sheet and for a moment I thought I shit the bed but then I realized it was the betadine. Nurse was in a rush. She didn’t get the IV on me even though I told her where to go to get the vein. She didn’t listen so she didn’t get it. I get so frustrated when they don’t listen. Another nurse ended up getting me when I moved to another location of the ED. She was a very nice nurse, even though she got my pronouns wrong and called me a lady. I don’t understand why they do this (yes I do because they see my fucking chest) when they have my pronouns in my chart! The doctor was cool in asking my pronouns and what I wanted to be called. I do have to say that the IV morphine went to my head. It was spinning like a top. Then I got the worse case of chest pain/anxiety for about 10 mins.

I brought my book and was able to read at least a chapter of it. I wanted to read another chapter but by then it was after 11pm and they dimmed the lights so much I couldn’t read. I am making headway in the book and should be finished sometime this week if I keep at it. There is only like 5 chapters left.

I don’t know if I said this before but the cognitive therapy book I was looking for, I already bought. I need to make a database of my clinical books so I don’t go buying two books. It would have been nice if Amazon had told me this when I first looked it up rather than having a google search tell me. I had bought the book in 2015. I think I have it in my room. I will go looking for it once I finish the book I am reading now, though I just ordered Beck’s Cognitive therapy for suicide behavior so might read that first as it is handy.

I have therapy today. Therapist just texted me asking if I still wanted to meet today and I said that I did. I want to talk about my dreams some more. Also want to talk more about my suicidal feelings. Going to tell her things got bad Saturday night. I wasn’t going to act but the pain just made me think about death and I started planning the end. When I was in that state, I had no thoughts about reaching out to talk to someone, much less getting help or calling a crisis line. I have firmly resolved that if I do act, I won’t text her saying so. I honestly believe, while in the state, no one can help me. It’s like the Linkin Park song, nobody’s listening. The signs are there but no one is paying attention.

One thought on “Finally some answers

  1. sorry you ended up in the ER! That sucks. But I am glad they gave you antibiotics and IV morphine, and I am glad the doc was nice and got your pronouns right. Xx


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